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View Poll Results: Does having contact with past partners hurt your current relationship.
Yes, it has ended our relationship 1 9.09%
No, we are very much in love with one another and trust each other to do the right thing 2 18.18%
it eats at me thinking what He/She is doing when im not with her,but we are still together 1 9.09%
we both see our past partners while still in our current relationship with or without knowledge 0 0%
dosent bother me im the one my partner wants now 7 63.64%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 11. You may not vote on this poll

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Greg40 Greg40 is offline
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Greg40 Be Personable and Optimistic

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I have met someone on eharmony in April of this year 2009 we have been seeing each other in a serious way going to the next level as in engagement ring talk.
But im having a hard time understanding why she wont delete her old boy friends phone numbers from her phone,she has more then one male friend that she has been romantically involved with and has been single for 14 years.
She tells me everyday that she is in love with me,but i find it hard to visualize being married to her and her having old lovers phone numbers, she doesn't call them but she wont change her phone number either.
have i hit a wall in this relationship?I have had past relationships but i would not being any of that with me to a new relationship to me what has past is the past.
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:22 pm
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cardguy cardguy is offline
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I think that it can be perfectly reasonable to be in touch with an ex...one of my ex's is a good friend now, and there's nothing romantic going on there. But we're not even talking about a connection here, simply the fact that she's not 100% unreachable by these ex's.

To be honest, I think you need to get over it. If anything, the fact that she has the ability to contact these people and choses not to should give you more trust in her than if she was out of touch simply because she didn't know how to reach them.
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:29 pm
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DancingFool DancingFool is offline
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Ummm......you are having a very bizzare, extremely inscure and irrational attitude. Frankly, if my bf asked to change my phone number just so nobody from my past could ever reach me again I would kick him to the curb. NOT because I ever want to talk to an ex, but because this kind of controlling insecure behavior would would be unacceptable to me.

I have tons of phone numbers in my phone and they don't mean anything other than I don't bother deleting things. She is likely the same way.
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:31 pm
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natka natka is offline
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i am good friends with an ex. and the other phone number i keep just in case he does call again and i can screen his call.
there's nothing wrong with keeping old phone numbers. i would not worry about it
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:44 pm
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I keep one purely so I know not to pick up when he calls! Otherwise, his random calls in the middle of the night would freak me out!

I also have a couple friends, out of a big group from my home town, that at one time or another, and years and years ago, I dated, but never seriously. I don't call them on a regular basis, but I look them up whenever I go home for Christmas or whenever and we all congregate at our favorite local bar. Maybe you would feel better about it if you met these guys? But it doesn't sound like she hangs out with them very often any more, or ever?

How did you find out about this anyway? I've never asked my boyfriend whose number he has, nor has he asked me. Sometimes, the more you know about a partner's past, the harder it is to keep the nagging suspicions and jealousy under control. Really, it doesn't seem as though she's done anything untrustworthy. . .she doesn't even call them?

Obviously, if she really wanted to hook up with one of these guys, she could figure out how to get in touch with them, absent a phone number on her cell. You've gotta realize that if she gives into this demand of yours, it's really not going to make you feel better. You can't control your way to trust. I know it's hard, but you've just sorta gotta give in. I mean, you love this girl for a reason, right??
- November 2nd, 2009, 03:27 pm
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neardc neardc is offline
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Hmmm....yeah; I have to agree with everyone else that your reaction is way out of proportion.

But, that doesn't mean that your feelings don't come from somewhere; they just don't necessarily have to do with your partner. So, see if you can think a little bit more about where your feelings are coming from and why. Does your girlfriend give you some other reason to distrust her that is causing you to focus on the phone numbers? Did you have a relationship in the past where an ex turned out to be untrustworthy, so you are especially anxious and fearful that this might turn out to be true again? You mention that the relationship is at the point of getting very serious...do you have some anxiety or fears about this or about your future together that you haven't faced or resolved?

Our emotional side can sometimes be pretty confusing. And, all is not necessarily as it appears. But, if you wish, you can take these seemingly irrational feelings you're having now and use this as an opportunity to understand your own fears better and move toward resolving them (therapists are good for this sort of thing).

Best of luck with your relationship.
- November 2nd, 2009, 03:58 pm
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trixie1868 trixie1868 is online now
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Do you have old girlfriends numbers or contact details still?

Why do you question your current girlfriend's faithfulness?

Are you otherwise happy with her?
- November 2nd, 2009, 04:04 pm
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littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
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I keep all their numbers in case I have to report them to the FBI at some point. : )

What everyone else said. If it makes you uncomfortable you need to talk with her about it and you need to be clear with yourself about why it makes you uncomfortable.
- November 2nd, 2009, 05:49 pm
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shellyg shellyg is offline
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I think you are over reacting. Unless you have evidence to the contrary then it is irrational for you to think she is involved with her exes. Don't allow your fear and insecurity ruin a good thing.
- November 2nd, 2009, 06:16 pm
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jenny_926 jenny_926 is offline
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I disagree with the previous posters and do not think that you are overreacting. You are thinking about proposing to this woman and she is hanging on to old boyfriends? Why? What's the point? If you are uncomfortable with this and she doesn't call them, then why on earth should they remain in her phone?

I have many friends (men and women) who, I believe, only keep in contact with ex partners for the ego boost it provides. Getting the occasional call or the email when things aren't going well in the ex's current relationship keeps someone feeling special. It also allows them to fantasize that things might be better with the ex (the grass is always greener syndrome).

If it bothers you (and I don't blame you), bring it up. How she deals with it should inform you on how to proceed.
- November 2nd, 2009, 06:21 pm
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