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jens84 jens84 is offline
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Hello all...newbie here. My friend raves about the great advice she has received so I figured I'd post...

Before I get into my question, I'll just give some background. I've been seeing this one guy for only about 3 weeks. We've gone on 3 dates so far and talk about every other day on the phone. Overall, I think things are going great and we both are interested in each other so far.

I'm struggling with the fact that there seems to be some elusiveness on his part. For example, if I ask how his night was or weekend, he gives a very general comment such as, "it was good" or "it was uneventful", but doesn't get into details. And I realize he doesn't own me any at this point but I've dated other guys who have given specifics such as "oh it was good, I had boxing tonight etc".

He's also pretty elusive about his weekend plans and I never hear from him over the weekends. I know we've only been dating for 3 weeks however something about this isn't sitting right with me.

Is being elusive about plans just par for the course when it comes to dating? And aside from the secrecy of the whole situation, I don't want to date someone that isn't going to take me out on the weekend.

I'm thinking I need to talk about this with him the next time we get together and am wondering what you all think. Do you think it's too soon to address this or is it better to bring this up now instead of wasting my time on him if we aren't on the same page. And what do you think I should say?

Any advice is appreciated! Thx!
Last edited by jens84; November 22nd, 2009 at 07:45 pm.
- November 20th, 2009, 02:08 pm
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kevin76 kevin76 is offline
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I often have uneventful nights and weekends, since I'm an introvert and a computer nerd. But if someone asks, I will actually tell them what I did, even if it was nothing more than sitting on my couch reading a book. Saying nothing about it at all seems a bit extreme.

But, it is possible he's just not good at small talk. To test this theory, try following up with a more specific question -
"How was your weekend." "It was good." "Glad to hear it. What did you do?" "Went to my parent's house." "That's nice. Did you all go out anywhere, or did you just stay home and visit? Do you visit them a lot...?" etc. You get the idea. You may have to work a little to draw him out, but try to stay pleasant and give him the benefit of the doubt at first.

Spending two or three weekends in a row with family may not be average, but this is the holiday season and if you've only been dating three weeks he may have had plans with them already. If he's really close to his family, and had plans with them in advance, I wouldn't be surprised at this.

That being said, you should let him know that you want to spend time with him on the weekends. You don't have to accuse him of anything or give him any ultimatums, just tell him you'd like to see him on the weekend, and ask when he will be free to do that.

If even after all that, he continues to be elusive and secretive, then you can start worrying. But give it a little more time and effort first, considering the season and the short time you've been dating.

Good luck.
- November 20th, 2009, 02:26 pm
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BikerBeagle BikerBeagle is offline
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It's only been 3 dates / 3 weeks.

I think it's safe to assume that he's seeing someone else ...which is still his right to do at this point ...probably someone he met before you. I'm not sure you are "backup girl", but certainly #2 in his life ...you have to get used to it.

The problem I see here is that you are getting too attached to him too quickly. You should be out dating other people too ...not necessarily out of revenge, but to avoid "one-itis" - that's a bad thing.

Let him know you are interested in seeing him, but if he can't make a date for a weekend (for whatever reason), then you need to find something else to do.

"Don't make someone a priority who is willing to make you an option"
- November 20th, 2009, 02:29 pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline
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I got throught the first two paragraphs thinking my god she is dating my son. Never can get a full sentence out of that boy. So that is kinda normal. I would like to think my oldest is normal, ya know?

The shopping with a friend's kids is just strange. I suppose there can be a good reason but I am just not seeing it.

I think it would be a good idea to talk about your concerns. They seem valid.
- November 20th, 2009, 02:33 pm
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cluelessdude cluelessdude is offline
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How much do you like the guy? Look relationships are work and it would be great if they weren't but they probably wouldn't mean much either. Do you like the guy enough to give him the benefit of the doubt? Or do you prefer to assume the worst in guys you have been on a few dates with? Maybe he is and maybe he isn't with someone else but the point is that you don't know so in my humble opinion you shouldn't assume. I agree with the other guy that you make it known what you want/expect from a relationship and if he is not on the same page he will let you know or let you go. But I would not hold that conversation while letting thoughts of other women go scurrying by. Do it with a honest and clear mind so he doesn't feel threatened or pick up on your worry which if it is unjustified might be reason for him to wonder about you. Everyone wants to love and be loved but so many of us find it so hard to start each new relationship with trust and integrity. What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Take it easy, it will work or it won't but you will still be alive and have a healthy attitude for the next guy if not as long as you stay POSITIVE about you. Just keep your side of the street clean and make that your focus rather than what they are doing/not doing. Without the crystal ball none of us possesses we will never know who we will or won't end up with so just relax and let the relationship unfold while communicating your desires and setting your boundaries. Good luck.
- November 20th, 2009, 02:40 pm
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He may very well be out on dates with other women at these times and he may prefer being 'elusive' rather than telling you this explicitly. Leave it alone.
- November 20th, 2009, 02:50 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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jens84 wrote :
I'm struggling with the fact that there seems to be some elusiveness on his part. For example, if I ask how his night was or weekend, he gives a very general comment such as, "it was good" or "it was uneventful", but doesn't get into details.
I find questions like this boring, and rapidly lose interest in hearing them. I discuss more substantive matters, decision-oriented matters, or my intents.

jens84 wrote :
He's also pretty elusive about his weekend plans and we haven't yet had a weekend date. On our date this week I asked if he wanted to do something this weekend and he said he couldn't because he was going to his parents house (an hour away) for the weekend to take his friends kids xmas shopping on Saturday. FYI, he also told me last weekend that he took this same friend's kids shopping except it was for their birthday gift.
Personally, all my meetings are on weekends. When women make statements like this - which they do all the time - I trust them. Though, thinking about male friends, most of them would dump friends to go out with a woman.

That said, he may have some sensative or embarrassing personal issue (like parents needing some kind of assistance, that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing at this time.)

As a side note, if you have had already three meetings you should be setting some of them up. Waiting to "be asked" is a total loss of interest for me. Want to date on Saturday, invite him (you should have already.)

jens84 wrote :
Is being elusive about plans just par for the course when it comes to dating?
I never was.

jens84 wrote :
I don't want to date someone that isn't going to take me out on the weekend.
This attitude is a major turn-off. Spending more time, and larger blocks of time, together is a good attitude. Evaluating men on where they take you, etc, makes a day with good ol dad sound pretty appealing.

jens84 wrote :
Do you think it's too soon to address this or is it better to bring this up now instead of wasting my time on him if we aren't on the same page. And what do you think I should say?
As far as I am concerned, it is never too soon to air a concern. In fact, it is always best to do so right away. I do not mind at all when a woman puts her desires clearly, so I can engage the issue.

In my view, the best thing is to set a weekend meeting yourself. If he declines, have a serious conversation where you come with your desire to spend more time and that you think he is making himself to "hard to get." As, just like for women, "hard to get" is all full of dumb.
- November 20th, 2009, 02:56 pm
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LizziePooh LizziePooh is offline
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BikerBeagle wrote :
It's only been 3 dates / 3 weeks.

I think it's safe to assume that he's seeing someone else ...which is still his right to do at this point ...probably someone he met before you. I'm not sure you are "backup girl", but certainly #2 in his life ...you have to get used to it.

The problem I see here is that you are getting too attached to him too quickly. You should be out dating other people too ...not necessarily out of revenge, but to avoid "one-itis" - that's a bad thing.

Let him know you are interested in seeing him, but if he can't make a date for a weekend (for whatever reason), then you need to find something else to do.

"Don't make someone a priority who is willing to make you an option"
jayjay wrote :
He may very well be out on dates with other women at these times and he may prefer being 'elusive' rather than telling you this explicitly. Leave it alone.
I think both of these are good advice, Jen. And Jo is right about his vague answers, they could be viewed as a normal response.

I don't know if you should necessarily be concerned about him taking his friend's kids shopping. You may be concerned but I don't think you have the right to be concerned yet. You have only been dating for three weeks (which I am assuming means three dates).

You might want to apply part of DL's advice and ask the guy out specifically and see how he responds.

Good luck.
- November 20th, 2009, 06:02 pm
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jens84 jens84 is offline
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Thanks for all the responses.

wrote :
But, it is possible he's just not good at small talk. To test this theory, try following up with a more specific question - "How was your weekend." "It was good." "Glad to hear it. What did you do?" "Went to my parent's house." "That's nice. Did you all go out anywhere, or did you just stay home and visit? Do you visit them a lot...?" etc. You get the idea. You may have to work a little to draw him out, but try to stay pleasant and give him the benefit of the doubt at first.
Kevin-I have tried doing this and actually asked the specific questions you listed here. His answers are still vague though i.e. yes/no etc. I realize that everyone's communication style is different and perhaps this is just his personality and not necessarily that he is "hiding" something.

wrote :
I think it's safe to assume that he's seeing someone else ...which is still his right to do at this point ...probably someone he met before you. I'm not sure you are "backup girl", but certainly #2 in his life ...you have to get used to it.

The problem I see here is that you are getting too attached to him too quickly. You should be out dating other people too ...not necessarily out of revenge, but to avoid "one-itis" - that's a bad thing.
Bikerbeagle-Yes, I agree it is probably safe to assume this. I may be getting attached too quickly, but who says I need to get used to being #2? I know I should be out dating other people as well, however somehow the dating pool always seems to be smaller for women than men, making this harder for women to do. Regardless though, I really don't know if I would anyway. I tend to be a one person kinda gal. I like to focus on one person at a time.

wrote :
The shopping with a friend's kids is just strange. I suppose there can be a good reason but I am just not seeing it.

I think it would be a good idea to talk about your concerns. They seem valid.
Jo-I think it's strange too. I didn't last weekend...but 2 weekends in a row? I do agree I should talk to him but I just don't know what to say without sounding pathetic or accusatory.

wrote :
How much do you like the guy? Look relationships are work and it would be great if they weren't but they probably wouldn't mean much either. Do you like the guy enough to give him the benefit of the doubt? Or do you prefer to assume the worst in guys you have been on a few dates with? Maybe he is and maybe he isn't with someone else but the point is that you don't know so in my humble opinion you shouldn't assume.
Cluelessguy-I like him a lot so far. We have a lot in common and there is definitely chemistry between us...which is hard to find. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and don't normally assume the worst with guys unless things seem to not add up. I've found from past relationships, I was only insecure when the guy gave me reason to be (i.e. cheating, lying etc)

wrote :
He may very well be out on dates with other women at these times and he may prefer being 'elusive' rather than telling you this explicitly. Leave it alone.
Jay-I understand what you're saying. I just find the elusiveness almost like lying or misleading. And I don't think being elusive helps build a foundation for a relationship.

wrote :
I find questions like this boring, and rapidly lose interest in hearing them. I discuss more substantive matters, decision-oriented matters, or my intents.

Personally, all my meetings are on weekends. When women make statements like this - which they do all the time - I trust them. Though, thinking about male friends, most of them would dump friends to go out with a woman.

That said, he may have some sensative or embarrassing personal issue (like parents needing some kind of assistance, that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing at this time.)

As a side note, if you have had already three meetings you should be setting some of them up. Waiting to "be asked" is a total loss of interest for me. Want to date on Saturday, invite him (you should have already.)

This attitude is a major turn-off. Spending more time, and larger blocks of time, together is a good attitude. Evaluating men on where they take you, etc, makes a day with good ol dad sound pretty appealing.

As far as I am concerned, it is never too soon to air a concern. In fact, it is always best to do so right away. I do not mind at all when a woman puts her desires clearly, so I can engage the issue.

In my view, the best thing is to set a weekend meeting yourself. If he declines, have a serious conversation where you come with your desire to spend more time and that you think he is making himself to "hard to get." As, just like for women, "hard to get" is all full of dumb.
DLion-I do ask more substantive questions as well. But how was your weekend is a pretty basic question that many people ask to make small talk as well.

I agree that most guys would dump their friends to go out with a female, which is why I find it odd that he is supposedly hanging with this friend, friends wife and their kids 2 weekends in a row.

We have discussed his family and it doesn't appear there is anything like you're mentioning. He also said he typically only sees them once a month.

The reason I prefer a weekend is because of the larger block of time available to get together, as you mentioned. Not just because it's a weekend. I did ask him to do something this weekend, which is when he told me about going shopping again with his friend and his kids.

I feel the same way that it is never too soon to talk about concerns but I guess I'm struggling over what to say. Do I beat around the bush and just ask hm to get together next weekend or do I come right out and say the whole 2 weekends with friend and kids seems far fetched etc? I'm not the best at how to talk about things like this.

wrote :
I don't know if you should necessarily be concerned about him taking his friend's kids shopping. You may be concerned but I don't think you have the right to be concerned yet. You have only been dating for three weeks (which I am assuming means three dates).
LizziePooh-I'm not so much concerned as much as I'm just trying to not be naive and overlooking what might be a red flag.
- November 20th, 2009, 08:22 pm
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LizziePooh LizziePooh is offline
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I would not question him about his weekends with his friend. It is not your place...yet.

I would ask him out on a date for a specific time. If he comes back that he can't go and does not offer a different date/time, I would just write it off that he just is not that interested.

Three dates is just three dates. I know you want to know what he is thinking. But you can't. And asking him to explain himself would not sit right with someone at this stage...I believe.

Good luck!
- November 20th, 2009, 08:45 pm
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