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shoopthedoop shoopthedoop is offline
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shoopthedoop is happy with the way things are going!

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So after getting dumped by my ex about six weeks ago we are finally meeting to exchange our stuff. Original thread below.

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...-into-ltr.html

I don't know if I'm 100% over her, but I am feeling much better about things. I've moved on to the extent of joining eH, one bad first meeting and at least one more first meeting lined up for next week.

On the original thread people suggested mailing her stuff back and giving her my return address. I felt that was a little too passive-aggressive for my tastes and think I'm mature enough to handle an IRL final meeting.

I'm not really sure how to approach it. We are having lunch (at the site of our first date), so there will be the need for some discussion. Should I just leave it at pleasantries and a little update with what's been going on in our lives in general?

To compound things, we are meeting two days before her birthday. She is a nice person in many respects and I would like to give her a card at least. Could this minor gesture be misinterpreted?
- November 3rd, 2009, 06:58 pm
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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I'm not sure what all the history of the relationship was....but I'd keep the communication to the 'pleasantries'. It also sounds like it's taking a little while for you to get over her....so I'd also say meeting at the place of your first date may not be such a good idea. I think I'd also go with wishing her a happy birthday and not going with a card. Good luck.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:03 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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I think JayJay is right.

I would meet the woman (unless she had a bad behavior which prompted me to end the relationship.)

There is no reason to have hard feelings for an ending relationship.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:06 pm
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nightling nightling is offline
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I think it is fine to give her a card. Just don't put anything long in it or use it as anything other than a chance to wish her happy birthday and it shouldn't be misconstrued.

Ask her how she is doing, let her do the talking if you can. Listen to her. Make her feel heard. If she asks how you are doing, tell her what's going on with you but try to stay off the subject of your needs/missing her.

Likely you won't see her again, but you never know. I think it sounds very mature the way you've handled things so far.

Good luck.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:06 pm
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CapnCrunch23 CapnCrunch23 is offline
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Why would you go have lunch at the site of your first date?

I am all for being social with exes..I wouldn't be meeting them out for lunch to exchange stuff! I would want that to be over as quick as possible so I can continue to move forward with my life, especially if I was not 100% over her.

Birthday-place-stuff-Exgf.. All memories.. Too much happening all at once for my taste.

Give me my stuff, here is yours. Happy Birthday, see ya on the flip side!
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; November 3rd, 2009 at 07:20 pm.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:12 pm
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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CaptCrunch23 wrote :
Why would you go have lunch at the site of your first date?

I am all for being social with exes..I wouldn't be meeting them out for lunch to exchange stuff! I would want that to be over as quick as possible so I can continue to move forward with my life.
especially if I was not 100% over her.

Birthday-place-girl..too many factors to get into my head about the past..

Give me my stuff, here is yours. Happy birthday.. see ya on the flip side!
Same here.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:17 pm
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shoopthedoop shoopthedoop is offline
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nightling wrote :
I think it is fine to give her a card. Just don't put anything long in it or use it as anything other than a chance to wish her happy birthday and it shouldn't be misconstrued.

Ask her how she is doing, let her do the talking if you can. Listen to her. Make her feel heard. If she asks how you are doing, tell her what's going on with you but try to stay off the subject of your needs/missing her.

Likely you won't see her again, but you never know. I think it sounds very mature the way you've handled things so far.

Good luck.
You seem to be in the minority, but I do find it interesting you are the only woman to reply to the thread.

I will definitely stay off the subject of my needs or missing her.

I'm trying to be as mature as possible about this.

The restaurant isn't that big of a deal. Just happens to be close to where she lives and where my plans are for the meeting.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:33 pm
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nightling nightling is offline
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shoopthedoop wrote :
You seem to be in the minority, but I do find it interesting you are the only woman to reply to the thread.

I will definitely stay off the subject of my needs or missing her.

I'm trying to be as mature as possible about this.

The restaurant isn't that big of a deal. Just happens to be close to where she lives and where my plans are for the meeting.
You want to keep the door open. They're saying why bother.

They have a valid point, but it's not addressing what you asked.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:59 pm
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LizziePooh LizziePooh is offline
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Hey Shoop,

I remember the original thread and I am a girl, btw - lol! I would keep it to small talk and just exchanging your stuff. I would not do the card; you may wish her Happy Birthday if you like.

My reasoning is 1) I don't think you are over her and 2) I think you let her run everything when you were together so it may be easy for you to fall back into that pattern. I would just keep it only to surface stuff so she does not get to you.

You may still want her back and that is fine. But do it on your terms not hers.

Good luck!
- November 3rd, 2009, 08:26 pm
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shoopthedoop shoopthedoop is offline
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LizziePooh wrote :
Hey Shoop,

I remember the original thread and I am a girl, btw - lol! I would keep it to small talk and just exchanging your stuff. I would not do the card; you may wish her Happy Birthday if you like.

My reasoning is 1) I don't think you are over her and 2) I think you let her run everything when you were together so it may be easy for you to fall back into that pattern. I would just keep it only to surface stuff so she does not get to you.

You may still want her back and that is fine. But do it on your terms not hers.

Good luck!
Thanks Lizzie, I guessed you were a girl from your screen name.

I've heard loud and clear from everyone about the birthday card.

As to your reasoning, here's what I'm thinking. The reason why I said I'm not 100% over her is that I would get back together with her only after a serious discussion about control in the relationship. I don't think she would go for it, if she is even interested in getting back together at all.

I'm approaching the meeting with an open mind, but will definitely make sure to keep an eye out for myself if we proceed with anything in the future. If we never see each other again? Meh, at least I'l get my stuff back.
- November 3rd, 2009, 08:51 pm
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