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parakeetjordan parakeetjordan is offline
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Approximately six months ago, when I was a newbie to this online dating thing, I was very wary about the safety of meeting complete strangers from online dating sites, and before agreeing to meet any of the men that I communicated with online, I would do a background check on them. Surprisingly, I would say that 60% of the time, I would find out after doing the background checks that the men that I had almost met were still married. Now, I meet too many men to even bother to do a background check until I decide after I meet them after the first date to see them again, and only if I feel in my gut that something is not right.

There was this one guy that I communicated with maybe five months ago that I was interested in meeting. When I did a background check, I found out that he was still married, but he had already filed for divorce. When I asked him in an email if he was just separated, and his divorce was not yet final, he responded to me via a reply email that "everything with his ex was final." I, in turn, replied that in order to protect myself, I did a background check, and found out that he is still married. Even though it was disappointing, I refused to reply to his emails after that.

Last week, he sent to me the following email:

"When you first asked the question, I struggled on how to answer it as there are two sides to it. There is the emotional side, which is the side I responded to and the legal side, which I was silent on. In my heart, my marriage ended in spring 2006 when we separeated and I learned that it was over. There wasn't any attempt to reconcile, which lead to the initial filing of documents. A settlement was drafted in fall 2007. I don't know why the legal side took as long as it did other than signing the final documents wasn't a high priority in my ex's life. A better way of answering your question would have been to include both parts, but I was afraid that you would not want to meet me. My plan was to disclose the legal part once we got to know each other better. Since you first asked the question, everything has been signed, delivered to the court and a dissolution was entered in September. I hope this helps clarify everything."

My question is: Would any of you forgive this type of lie, and still meet this guy? I have not responded to his email.
- November 1st, 2009, 11:57 am
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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This is a good post.

I agree that it is readily possible to be emotionally-distant from a situation, such as this man and his wife.

I would call this a case of (likely) understanding your question, and (still) not replying with the data you're obviously seeking, making this a lie.

That said, if you want a specific answer, it helps to ask a specific question.

This would concern me, perhaps enough not to meet the person. But, if you can keep calm and dispassionate about him enough to gather other data, and have not other possible partners at the moment, it may be worth the time.
- November 1st, 2009, 12:05 pm
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Annnnne Annnnne is offline
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Its hard...I know I tried to divorce my ex for two years and spent thousands of dollars trying to hurry the process to no avail. The relationship was over and I was doing everything I could to make it over on paper as well but he would just not respond except to push court dates off.

In retrospect it was really good the first year because it gave me time to be single, heal and figure out who I was after the marriage (I married really young). The second year was terrible because I was ready to date emotionally but didnt feel right about it because I was still married on paper. It was also hard because I have/had a lot going for me and had great guys who were interested in dating me. I didnt date that second year though because offically I was still married. But it really felt like it was just a legal formality. The relationship was more than over and I was in a good spot emotionally but my ex would not sign the papework even though he verbally agreed to the settlement. Depending on the situation I can see where that guy was coming from, but I still would not date him...its just the principal of it.
- November 1st, 2009, 12:06 pm
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Wonderwoman402 Wonderwoman402 is offline
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parakeetjordan wrote :
.....My question is: Would any of you forgive this type of lie, and still meet this guy? I have not responded to his email.
If you were/are interested in him otherwise, my advise would be to go ahead and meet him. He obviously thought enough of you to still be thinking of you 6 months later and want to make things right.

My divorce took 16 months from filing to finalization. It was over, emotionally, prior to even the filing (I would have filed much sooner, but was waiting for him to get a job... he surprised me by filing first, then I found out about his secret bank account... but no need for more details here). The last 7 months of the process was caused by the time it took me to get the house re-financed in the midst of taking care of the other financial details, while still working at a job that requires travel and raising two kids. It was NOT because I was still emotionally invested in the relationship nor because I was trying to salvage anything or get back together with him. Far from it. My HEART was divorced long before June 2001. The documentation of the divorce didn't catch up until October 2002.

So I can fully understand and sympathize with where this guy is coming from. Since he has confessed this "sin" (which in my mind is a very small one), and come back around to you... obviously still interested... I would give him another chance.
- November 1st, 2009, 12:20 pm
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Yes, in the scenario you've described, I would forgive this and move on. If there is anything I've learned about relationships, it is that they are complex and what seems clear cut to me is not necessarily so for another person.

If I were still interested in him, yes, I would meet him.

- November 1st, 2009, 12:28 pm
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alissag alissag is offline
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This is a really great post. I have male friends whose divorces took a couple years (they were ugly, messy and horrible), however, they had been split a very long time ago and were "emotionally" done with they're marriages. For me, my time from separation to divorce was relatively short, only one year.

Every situation is different, the fact that he sent you the email explaining his particular circumstance says something. Everyone works in different ways, for some, once they are emotionally done, they don't need that piece of paper to move on. Others need that paper for closure.

In my experience, getting to know a person speaks volumes. My most recent first date had been officially divorced for several years, yet, he still spoke negatively about all of it. Needless to say, I ran for the hills. On the flip side, I once dated a man whose divorce was not final. I understood the circumstances and situation. I was lucky enough to have friends who had know him for years and gave insight to the information that he gave me, backed up his story, so to speak. Two months after we began dating, the divorce was final and the relationship lasted over a year.

All I can say is, don't be naive, yet, don't be too quick to jump to conclusions.
- November 1st, 2009, 12:41 pm
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Chucho Chucho is offline
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Let me drop my grain of salt here. Paperwork is paperwork, it takes time to sort-out, it can get nasty. That's a fact for some, less for others. What counts ultimately is the emotional side of it. The guy was done with his previous relationship, emotionally done, no comeback possible (in his words). His mishap was not to disclose that, alas, his divorce was not settled in Court. Fair call, he lied, or rather it can be seen as being economical with the truth? Everyone has lapses of judgement (I would have thrown the cards on the table, but hey, that's me) and on hindsight he should have been open about it, but you can see, also from his words, where he is coming from.

Ultimately, you would not know if there is even a relationship potential until you meet this guy face to face and move beyond e-mail/phone exchanges. That would give you the option to gauge if this has all the signals of systemic behavior or if it was simply an error of judgement (and who's free from them? In fact, that explains why some of us are here, eventually...) An error triggered by the fear you'd walk away.

I would say give it a chance. You've spend enough time investment already in him. That's for a reason. Follow that, and your instincts will tell in time whether its worth moving forward into a deeper level.

Just my 2c.
- November 1st, 2009, 02:00 pm
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alissag alissag is offline
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Good 2c!! Hear hear!
- November 1st, 2009, 02:13 pm
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6dle899 6dle899 is offline
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parakeetjordan wrote :
I would do a background check on them. Surprisingly, I would say that 60% of the time, I would find out after doing the background checks that the men that I had almost met were still married.
Why would you want to date would-be adulters? Tell me please: What future is there in that for *YOU* ?

I am shocked at your statistics -- but I DO believe you. How disheartening, for people that would like to date you and who are unmarried.

parakeetjordan wrote :

There was this one guy that I communicated with maybe five months ago that I was interested in meeting. When I did a background check, I found out that he was still married, but he had already filed for divorce. When I asked him in an email if he was just separated, and his divorce was not yet final, he responded to me via a reply email that "everything with his ex was final." I, in turn, replied that in order to protect myself, I did a background check, and found out that he is still married. Even though it was disappointing, I refused to reply to his emails after that.

Last week, he sent to me the following email:

"When you first asked the question, I struggled on how to answer it as there are two sides to it. There is the emotional side, which is the side I responded to and the legal side, which I was silent on. In my heart, my marriage ended in spring 2006 when we separeated and I learned that it was over. There wasn't any attempt to reconcile, which lead to the initial filing of documents. A settlement was drafted in fall 2007. I don't know why the legal side took as long as it did other than signing the final documents wasn't a high priority in my ex's life. A better way of answering your question would have been to include both parts, but I was afraid that you would not want to meet me. My plan was to disclose the legal part once we got to know each other better. Since you first asked the question, everything has been signed, delivered to the court and a dissolution was entered in September. I hope this helps clarify everything."

My question is: Would any of you forgive this type of lie, and still meet this guy? I have not responded to his email.

His elaborate dance and rationalizing, and lies of omission, along with his admission he was lying on purpose, say all.


What a hormonally driven loser. Disgusting. Suppose he "forgot" to tell you he was a convicted child molester on parole too?

I ABSOLUTELY disagree with what the others have said!!!!


What is it about the concept of "STILL LEGALLY MARRIED" that so eludes everyone around here?

Still "legally" married = married.

Period.

Stay away.


You could be the NEXT victim, if heaven help you, you got married to someone like that, you already know they could easily justify cheating, using the same kinds of rationales.

Good grief.

No wonder this country is going to he ll in a handbasket, if 60% of your hits are from married men.

I am aghast.
Last edited by 6dle899; November 1st, 2009 at 02:21 pm.
- November 1st, 2009, 02:15 pm
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alissag alissag is offline
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alissag Life's not about weathering the storm but learning to dance in the rain!

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6dle899 wrote :
Why would you want to date would-be adulters? What future is there in that for *YOU* ?

I am shocked at your statistics but I DO believe you. How disheartening, for people that would like to date you and who are unmarried.




His elaborate dance and rationalizing, and lies of omission, say all.


What a hormonally driven loser. Disgusting.

I ABSOLUTELY disagree with what the others have said?


What is it about the concept of "STILL LEGALLY MARRIED" that so eludes everyone around here?

Still "legally" married = married.

Period.

Stay away.


You could be the NEXT victim, if heaven help you, you got married to someone like that, you already know they could easily justify cheating,

No wonder this county is going to he ll in a handbasket, if 60% of your hits are from married men.

I am aghast.
It is different for everyone, to each their own! That's what makes the world go round, and I love it.

I was emotionally done with my marriage far before my separation, yet, I never explored dating or even looking until the "divorce" word was said.
- November 1st, 2009, 02:21 pm
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