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Question
Dear Dr. Warren,
As a woman I feel a little strange about making the first move, and yet I see matches I would really like to begin exchanging messages with. If I initiate communication with them, will I come across as not much of a challenge? Does a woman starting contact take the "thrill of the chase" away from a guy?
Sincerely,
Susan, Idaho Falls, ID
Answer
Dear Susan,
Thank you for your great question. The dating rituals between men and women can be challenging enough without having to wonder where things like e-mail and initiating communication on eHarmony fall into place. So let’s take a closer look of how men and women relate to one another online.
Long before the Internet came into being, there was an old saying, "Nice girls do not chase boys." It may have been uttered to your mother by your grandmother, and indeed from your mother to you. And if you’re old enough, perhaps you’ve even found yourself giving that same bit of advice to someone younger than you, too. Indeed, in typical dating situations, many women prefer that men take the initiative. This perspective is quite common, and may be right for you when dating in person.
However, as society evolves to accept more open expression from women and technology progresses, the rules of first contact online appear to be different than those observed in offline dating space. Women feel more comfortable expressing their interests in getting to know men as potential partners, and likewise, most men are comfortable with this. Part of this is the feeling of freedom of expression on the Internet itself. But there’s also something else—eHarmony is different.
When you initiate communication with a match on eHarmony, you are not "asking him out on a date" or calling him on the phone. You are expressing interest in communicating with him online—safely and anonymously—for as long enough as required to see if there is any interest beyond the profile and attraction level from photos. In the early steps of Guided Communication it does not matter who initiates communication because both you and your match are gathering enough information to know whether there is enough of a spark to take your communication offline and begin dating face to face. Think of initiating communication as beginning a friendly conversation with no expectations, just a natural curiosity to know more about your match and their interests.
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