To Bed or Not to Bed? That Is the Question!

Finding the right relationship can be tough. It's especially tricky when your views on sex differ from the norm. Learn how sharing your personal beliefs can lead to the perfect match for you.

by eHarmony Staff

When it comes to dating and relationships, there are plenty of exciting, nerve-racking, blush-inducing moments along the journey to happily ever after. The first kiss, the first time you say I love you, the first time you tell your date that you don't believe in sex before marriage…

If there were a soundtrack to this article, the needle on the record would scratch as the music stops right about now.

Yes, this is the 21st century. Yes, some people date and end up in bed with various partners before settling down. But there are still plenty of people saving themselves for marriage. And for them, there comes a time in every dating relationship for the obligatory conversation about their decision to remain virtuous.

The question is, when do you have this discussion? How soon is too soon? And more importantly, is it possible to ruin a perfectly good relationship because you waited too long to share your chaste intentions? Understandably, it's a difficult subject to broach but one that's necessary for a healthy and happy dating life and potential relationship future. What follows are some guidelines for opening the lines of communication.

Establish a comfortable level of emotional intimacy
For most savvy singles, sex is not a first date topic of conversation. In fact, it's probably not something you discuss until Date #5 or beyond. Therefore, it's safe to say that the same goes for a conversation about not having sex. After all, considering that not every first date turns into a second one, what's the point of hanging your virtues out to dry for everyone to see and judge? Instead, table this conversation until you get to know your date better and establish a comfortable level of emotional intimacy. You'll know when the time is right. And until then, it's nobody's business but your own.

Be honest
Once you've decided that the person you're dating could be a keeper, you’ll probably want to broach the subject. Don't be nervous. Rather than hem and haw, confidently bring up the subject of sex and state your position. Gently tell your date how much you're enjoying getting to know them and how you appreciate the level of emotional intimacy you have established. Then, let them know that while your attraction for them grows, it can only go so far because of your decision to abstain from sex until marriage. Be clear, direct, and concise (then give them time to process and respond). More than likely, they'll have questions. If you feel comfortable, answer them. They may support your decision and simply want to understand you and your choices better.

Remain true to your convictions
It's also possible that the person you're dating may not share your desire to wait for sex until marriage. They may try to talk you out of your decision. Don't let them! If this is something that's really important to you, be true to that. Don't let anyone belittle your life choices and value system because it's different from theirs. The truth is, if you can't accept and honor one another on the subject of sex, the relationship is ultimately doomed. As painful as that may be, that's the reality of dating in the modern world.