My boyfriend and I recently split up after almost 2 years. We were fine up until the last month. He started ignoring me when I tried to call and told me he was always busy. I thought maybe he was just stressed about his job with the Army and his other job and paying bills, so I just tried to be understanding about it. But I only saw him 4 times out of that month. Then I found out he had been having friends stay over at his house almost every night, even though he was "so busy" with work. I mean, it wasn't really that, it was the fact that the person who stayed over the most was a girl. When i confronted him about it, he just said "don't worry, nothing happened, it's not that big of a deal." It was a big deal to me. I found out he was lying to me for most of our relationship, even about the littlest things. So we didn't really talk that much and I went by his house to see if i could talk to him about what was going on and I also found out he had been cheating on me, for how long I didn't know. I didn't talk to him for a while, tried to give him a little time, and then when I called him back, I found out that he had gotten rid of his phone and the number and told his friend not to give me hs new number since I was his ex. He never said anything about breaking up, I thought we were just having problems. It broke my heart because he couldn't even give me enough respect to break up with me in person. He hasn't talked to me at all since then and I know I should just move on but I guess I feel I need closure. I need to know why he would do all this to me when he always told me i was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he loved me more than anything in the world. Am I being stupid waiting for him to man up and talk to me?
In a strange way, I'm glad I saw your post. I've been mulling over wanting to hear back from my ex-girlfriend now for about two weeks. We were only dating four and a half months, but she and her daugther, as well as her family, were courting me to become her husband down the road. I took the fact that they were all fond of me as genuine and my girlfriend and I seemed like peas and carrots. About two months into our relationship, we had a short phone call worth of miscommunication that turned into something much worse.
We didn't talk for about two days (from a Wednesday afternoon until Friday night)... I called her as she was finishing work that Friday night and she told me she'd be glad to meet me but she was surprised I had called. She also said she had to make a few phone calls before we met up. I came bearing gifts and told her I was sorry about how our last conversation ended, and she seemed receptive. Things seemed better the weekend following that night, but I wasn't going to get to see her until that Sunday evening, a night we had already made habit of seeing each other every week. I had plans that weekend to go to my friend's batchelor party, and she had been aware since we started dating that it would be at a strip club. I didn't pick the location, but she wasn't happy I was going. I came back as early as possible Sunday so that we could see each other. She was very loving on the phone, but when she finally had free time in the evening, when her parents could watch her daughter for the night, she told me on the phone that she wasn't coming over that evening. She started discussing her doubts about our relationship, but said everything would be fine. She told me she'd be going to bed early that night and we'd get together the next day. We got together the next day and had a serious falling out. I think it started with me not liking the fact that she was sore over me going to a strip club, something I didn't want to opt out of because my friend's best man was insistent that all the groomsmen attend. I spent that entire night anyhow thinking of her, not the damned strippers *laughs*. That afternoon I said some harsh things to her about what she did that frustrated me, but I promised her in the end that we'd work things out. We still went out for dinner that night as we normally would, but she started elaborating on this "friend" from work that I had heard about even when we first started dating. It turns out he'd been trying to get her to come over on a regular basis. I asked her if she was attracted to him... she replied no, but she said she'd still have sex with him. I laughed at her bold comment, but little did I realize that she was telling the truth. As that week progressed, she was apparently seeing him on the nights that I didn't see her, and she made little attempt to see me that week. In fact, she had spent time with him during the few days we didn't talk.
When I found out she cheated on me, I forgave her, reluctantly, because I knew I had been blatantly brash with her at times. She cut things off with this fling of hers somewhat quickly, in order to progress with the potential great relationship we should have had. She was the first person in a long time that I felt extremely comfortable around. In fact, we never really argued until right before this all happened. I looked at the arguements and examination as natural, but I found out later that she typically had another agenda as soon as things went bad for her in relationships.
She told me she cheats because it helps "keep the momentum going". I heard those words as one from a perpetual cheater. Your boyfriend likely cheated on you when he got occasionally bored with things. He kept his charm level high with other females in case things got stale or rough. If you think back, there were likely hints of him cheating along the way. I actually discovered she had slept with this guy when not only a day after she apparently cut ties with him, she suggests to me a certain way she likes to be treated in bed, something I apparently didn't do often enough. When I asked her if she slept with him, she said she'd never admit it to my face, but what she did with him was her way of hurting me for the things I said. She told me she could never express her true anger or disgust in words.
A month or so passes by, and I find myself not being able to get over what she did. I lashed out at her one night, telling her how I really felt about the whole situation. I told her I thought she acted no better than a whore and after finding out that her mother did a very similar thing to her father when they were still dating (a story my ex-girlfriend had told me), I told her that maybe her mother was one too. I felt like I was defending her father by saying that... and defending my own position, and it seems like I was out for blood after what she did to me.
I sat with her parents one night when the story about her mother's cheating was broached upon, and her parents also knew our situation... her mother dismissed her daughter's actions, but her father told me I'd never get over it, laughing, and then asking his wife if he was right. I saw how it bothered her father over twenty years later, even though they had made it through the ordeal. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be that guy. I said what I did to my ex-girlfriend in a vulnerable, insecure state of mind. I apologized to her, and she seemed fine over the next week, but several days later, on a Sunday, the same thing came up again as before. She told me she wasn't coming over that night and that she'd be going to sleep early. In the following days, she went from telling me she didn't want to live without me to telling me she didn't love me anymore to later saying that she just didn't want to be together right now, but that she still loves me. It's been two weeks since I've heard from her.
Over the 5-6 months that I had known her, we had maybe three or four serious arguements. Otherwise, we seemed to really enjoy each other's company, and like I said, her parents were grooming me to marry the girl. She has two brothers, one younger and one older, that are already married. It seems like they naturally wanted to see her married too, especially having a young child. However, she's never had a relationship longer than the 4-plus months she had with me, but I've enjoyed a few that have lasted anywhere between one to four years. I ignored the signs early on... she talked about how she first kissed me while she was still "technically" dating someone else. She got pregnant with her daughter from a "revenge sex" incident. With just about every single person she's ever dated, she's always had someone waiting in the wings for when things went bad. Even realizing this within the first month or so, I trusted her when she said that it was only because she hadn't found the right person yet. The courting that her entire family provided me with almost had me totally blind to the truth.
I've spent the last three weeks or so talking about this with friends, family, my pastor, and even co-workers at times. I want closure as well, considering the last time we saw each other face-to-face, I asked her what I could do to make things better for us, telling me that the positive visit we had was a good start. To better correlate this with your story, perhaps your ex-boyfriend and my ex-girlfriend are doing the same thing, which would keep them from contacting us. I've been told by many that she doesn't have a true idea of what it is to know committment or romantic love. Some people are lust-driven, and unless you're totally okay with that, it's hard to expect that person to stay loyal.
Step one: Go to a doctor and get checked for the usual! If he was sleeping around, you want to make sure you're not carrying something he got from one of his "mistresses". Step two: Well... I've desperately wanted to call her, but I gave her all the reasons in the world for her to call me. Every day I wakeup and she's still the first person I think about, but why? It really hurts to see someone else go through this too, especially after all the time you invested with that person. The good thing is, you'll be more selective, potentially more keen about things the next time around! I might sound objective and positive about all of this, but this has really torn me apart. She's cheated on people for lesser reasons than me yelling at her.
As odd as it sounds, you have even MORE reason to be the better person and let him go completely, especially since you sounded like you had a stable relationship on the surface. I still love this girl, as you probably still love him, but talk to those closest to you also. I'm sure you have! And even though we both want closure or even the slightest chance to make things right, a cheating spirit is something that may always exist in our former lovers. Did I have evidence to walk away in front of me? It's hard for me to look at my own situation the right way, even now. I know, however, that it's your chance to find something better. When your confidence is back up, you will. :)
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