The Holidays: Her Family or His?

Families and holidays - they can make for an explosive combination in any relationship. Discover the best strategy to staying sane during the most wonderful time of the year.

This issue may be one that sneaks up on you.  When you’re in a new relationship, you anticipate at least some conflict over such issues as money, sex, communication, etc.  But the holidays?  Come on, how hard can that be?  Well, as veteran couples can attest, how you handle the holidays has the potential to be pretty explosive. 

And it makes sense when you think about it.  After all, we’re talking about two things fraught with tons of emotion:  family and rituals.  You and your partner are both likely bringing some pretty strong feelings to the table, and you may not even realize it.  And when your individual expectations for the holidays don’t match up, that’s when some serious relational tension can crop up.

The most obvious answer is to take turns:  her family this year, his the next time.  But it’s not always that simple and easy; life is usually more complicated than that.  Plus, when you throw in the pressure and expectations of family members, it can get especially sticky.  Your parents want you to come home and sleep in your old room; your brother and his wife want their kids to be at their house for the holidays; and your sister is suggesting a trip to the mountains.  It’s awfully tough to find a way to negotiate all these schedules.  And that’s just you.  We haven’t even brought your partner into the equation yet.

So what do you do?  Well, you communicate, you compromise, and you do your best.  Here are some principles to get you started. 

Principle #1:  Let the relationship vote.
When you two are having trouble making a good and fair decision on an issue like this, keep in mind that there are three votes to be considered:  one for you, one for your partner, and one for the relationship.  You should each get a chance to make a case for your own position, but then make sure that your relationship also gets a vote—and this vote breaks the tie.  By doing this, you’ll emphasize the fact that you’re on the same team and that your commitment to each other is more important than your individual agendas.