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The "Ex" Files: Get Over Your Baggage

No one goes through life unscathed by baggage, but the good news is that you can welcome a new perspective into your life.

by eHarmony Staff

What is "Baggage"
You"ve heard the phrase before, and maybe you"ve said it yourself: He"s/she"s got baggage. Perhaps you"ve even noticed the impact of your own baggage on relationships. Les Parrott, acclaimed marriage and family counselor and author of several bestselling relationship books, says that baggage is the "residue of early years that impacts us today." Simply put, baggage is a collection of unpleasant memories from the past that continue to negatively affect our perception of and behavior in the here and now.

Some may carry a full matching set from a more challenging life or just a small a carry-on bag from an isolated incident or two, but no one goes through life unscathed by baggage. As participants in this collection of experiences called life, we travel through picking up observations and "notes-to-self" that we file away for later use. No one would argue that it's a good thing to learn from past mistakes. Indeed, history can serve us well by teaching us better ways to approach similar situations should we encounter them again. The problem occurs when memories of events replaying over and over again in our minds develop into fears of experiencing similar negative situations in the future, and this overshadows any positive lessons that may be learned. This developed "baggage" becomes a roadblock to the goals we would really like to achieve.

The Mechanics of Baggage - How It Works in Our Lives
Baggage may only feel like an insulator against future pain, but it's only the perception of self-control that makes as feel protected. In fact, holding onto these fears and hurts really just weighs us down and keeps us from moving forward. You may have had high hopes in a past relationship or marriage that this person was the "one" but you had no self-control over the eventual downfall of the relationship. As a result, you may find yourself wanting control of current and new relationships coming into your life in an effort to thwart the same kind of disappointment and pain you experienced in your past. In addition to being able to transform negative feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, fear and resentment that you may be walking around with into happiness and understanding, unloading your baggage will also help heal and prevent future consequences of toxifying perfectly good relationships.

You could meet a really great person with whom you are deeply compatible, but the baggage from your past could inhibit you from seeing that person in a realistic light. The consequences of toxic baggage are evident in situations in which people walk away from someone wonderful or end up driving that person away. Being overly protective of yourself and others can leave you closed off and distant from other people in the intimate parts of ourselves that need to be nurtured. Furthermore, baggage jeopardizes relationships by forcing us to step into a role from our family origins, like "healer," "joker/class clown," "problem-solver," etc., even though that role is far removed from who we really are and what we really need in a romantic partnership to be happy. We may have assumed that role to make our family happy, but what makes you happy is usually something far different.

The Good News—Shaking Free
The good news is that you can let your baggage go, whether big or small, and welcome a new perspective into your life. Once baggage has been unloaded, current relationships and those yet on the horizon are freed from the past and you can truly discover and enjoy real intimacy—and when you feel it, it's like nothing else.

Follow these 5 Steps to Get Over It and Get On With Your Life

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