Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?
"We broke up last night, but it was mutual and we're going to remain friends." REALLY? Why do we try to stay friends with an ex and is it ever a good idea?
by eHarmony Staff
Jerry Seinfeld wisely observed that breaking up with someone was like trying to tip over a soda machine. You can't do it in one push. You have to get it rocking. Once it is moving and unstable only then you can push it over.
Breaking up IS hard to do. It is difficult to tell another person, "I don't want a romantic relationship with you." Hearing it from someone else is clearly worse. There's pain, tears, possibly even anger. It's a dirty business. So often times, either as a way to soften the blow or out of sincere feelings of warmth, we say, "But let's stay friends."
From an intellectual level remaining friends may seem like a good idea. The logic usually goes, "I do like her as a person. We have fun together. We have good talks. I'm just not that into her romantically. I like having her in my life, so we should stop being romantic and just keep the friend part." If both individuals are emotionally mature, and completely lacking in romantic feelings for each other, then a jump straight to the friend zone might be possible. However, this very rarely happens. Mutual breakups are usually not mutual, and the breakee is holding on to some strong romantic desires.
The ever present danger for these types of friendships is a backslide. One night you're out as friends, you have a couple of drinks, somebody leans in too close, and BAM! It's just like you never broke up. Only this situation is much more confusing, hurtful, and sad.
3 Good Reasons Why You Shouldn't Stay Friends
1. It is hard to turn off romantic feelings
You see it in the paper every day. Someone throws away a prominent career because they have fallen in love (or lust) with someone they shouldn't. This person knows that it is a bad idea, but controlling our emotions in this way takes a discipline that most folks can't muster.
If you've ever been dumped, and agreed to "just be friends" you know deep down inside you still want to get back together. Even if you don't want to…you want to. Each time you get together as friends you're hoping and praying that you'll end up in each other's arms. You may even subtly be pushing things in that direction.
If you did the dumping, the knowledge that this person -- this new friend -- would love to kiss you will always be in the back of your mind waiting for the right moment to lead you exactly where you don't want to go.
53 comments on
“Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?”
One of the secrets to happiness is removing the burdens of guilt and rejection. Both of these are usually involved in a romantic break up on one or both sides. The key to this is the F word. FORGIVENESS! First you must forgive yourself for whatever feelings you have of resentment or hate or all of the in between. Then, if applicable, forgive yourself of the guilt. At this point you are ready to agree with your old flame that "friends" starts SIX MONTHS from the date of this discussion and no contact during that time. True friends can persevere, game players won't. They will drift away for lack of entertainment and you can let them go with hope that they find fulfillment elsewhere, freeing yourself to regain equilibrium and recreate your inner peace.
No one made a mistake here. You met, fell in what you thought was mutual love, found it wasn't so, and you move on as friends or move on as the strangers you always were from the very start to the very end. You simply were not a good match for love or friendship so let go of it.
Easy to say, hard to do? So are you a grown-up? Then excercise discipline and take a 6 month break. You will either renew your relationship as friends with agreeable behavior boundaries, or find youself wondering what you ever saw in that person in the first place, as in, "What was I thinking!"
- March 15, 2010 09:14 PM
My ex-wife wqaned to remainfriendswhile were divorcing. I said that I wasn't ready to discuss that yet. Now she hates me.
I dated a really nice lade fo three months, during whic time Ifell hard forher. She decided to end things and I went through the valley of the shadow of death. During that time, my father and my youngest brother died. She took me and my son to tairport and picked us up when we returned. We speak to each other almost daily . She has a boyfriend thatshe is in love with, and I am seeing no one.
I don't know what the right answer is. Sometimes it works,and sometimes it doesn't. You just take your chances.
- March 13, 2010 07:17 PM
[COLOR=black]Butterfly245 says it absolutely NEVER works. This may be true for her, perhaps something about how she generates, defines, and ends relationships, but she should know that "ALL generalizations are FALSE!" I dated a woman for about a year, and we had a very deep, abiding respect for each other, and very open communication, sometimes vehement disagreements. We found during this open communication that though we love and respect each other greatly, there were some issues, like family issues and our different views on certain topics, such as religion, that make it impossible for us to ever have a truly successful marriage, which she eventually seeks in a partner. So we broke up, and there was NO 6 month waiting period, it took us about a week to 10 days to get our wits together and realize that ending the romance was completely separate from our underlying friendship, and to this day, she is absolutely my best friend and she has told her friends and family that there is nothing I won't do for her, which is absolutely true. And she would do the same for me. She has a new boyfriend now and when I was dating someone, we have both expressed that even though there will never be a romance again between us, our friendship is important and if our dating partner has a problem with us being friends, well that person does not care about us enough to understand the depth and value of a true forever friend.[/COLOR]
- March 12, 2010 08:03 PM
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