Should you Cut your Losses?

Perfect relationships only exist in fairy tales. Still, sometimes it's hard to tell if the doubts about your relationship are normal or a sign of a bigger problem. Dig a little deeper and the answer will find you.

In some ways your new relationship seems to be going pretty well. But at the same time there are doubts that keep nagging at you. Maybe you have issues with the person’s table manners. Or their friends seem a little…off. Perhaps their goals (or lack thereof) are different than your own.

Or maybe it’s something else.

This can be a pretty tough call to make. But if you can think through some key relational issues and stick to some basic guidelines, you’ll have a better chance of making a good, healthy decision as you try to determine just how significant you want to make this new other in your life.

Don’t Expect to Change Someone

There’s an old saying that you should never try to teach a pig to sing. The reason? It’s a waste of time, and it annoys the pig. Expecting to change a person that you’re dating falls into the “trying to teach a pig to sing” category. The simple fact is that for 99% of us, we are who we are. So no matter how much a person tries to change us, we’re not going to change. Plus, we’re going to resent the person who is pushing us to be something other than what we’ve already chosen to be. So don’t expect to change the person you’re with in any fundamental way. Still, that being said, …

Do Encourage Growth and Expose the Person to new Possibilities

There’s nothing wrong with presenting someone with ways they can improve as a person or shake off some of the rough, so that the diamond can shine through a bit more. The key questions are your motivation, and how you go about recommending growth. If you genuinely care for this person and see ways they can improve their quality of life, then that’s a justifiable motivation, especially if you can present your recommendations non-judgmentally and with respect. That’s much more legitimate than calling for change out of your own insecurities, and in such a way that makes them feel bad about themselves.

Don’t Change Who You Are

Just as you can’t expect to substantially change the other person, you also shouldn’t deny or give up on the most important parts of yourself. Sometimes we want to make a relationship work so much that we let go of what makes us who we are or what we truly want and need. But obviously, that’s a bad move for ourselves, for the relationship, and even for the other person we’re changing for. So remain true to who you are, and hold firm to your identity and core values. On the other hand, it’s also important that you …

Do Remain Open-Minded, Flexible, and Tolerant

Being consistent in terms of who you are and what you believe is a good thing. Being rigid is not. So even as you remain true to the essence of who you are, be careful to avoid being closed-minded about changes you could make to improve yourself, or your new relationship.

Don’t Settle

Let’s face it: all of us from time to time feel lonely and just want to be with someone. But do your best to keep in mind an important truth that you already know: It’s not healthy to accept less than you deserve, or less than you need, just because you’re afraid of being alone. There may be times when you feel like having someone—anyone—would be better than being by yourself. But fight the temptation to give in to this line of thinking. Instead, …