Self-Image: The Mind-Body Connection

More often than not, that bad hair day or "giant" zit is all in your mind. The key to looking good is feeling good, so can the self-doubt and criticism and you can look stunning in no time.


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There’s no shame in admitting it. Making peace with what you see in the mirror can be a genuine struggle. For some of us, it’s a life long process – one filled with big obstacles and small victories, real opportunities and hard lessons.

After all, every person has such a unique, complicated relationship with that reflection staring back. Just think about everything involved in how you view yourself. Every individual faces his/her own set of life experiences and characters and relationships that all cumulatively influence the self concept. Objectivity is nearly impossible. Insecurities can become so deeply rooted they become an inextricable part of how we relate to the world. And one’s perception can feel like the absolute truth even when it couldn't be further from what everyone else sees.

So what is a single person to do in a world increasingly obsessed with image and perfection? How do you keep your self-esteem intact when rejection is the only given in the dating game? What do you do when you’ve read the expert-penned bestsellers and watched the day time talk shows but still feel a little less than when you wake up with a blemish or new gray hair? Is it even possible to be single and feel truly confident and comfortable with that person in the mirror?

Though there is no silver bullet answer to these questions for every person every single day day, take heart. Consider two simple but powerful tips to help keep your perspective healthy and by extension, your self-image strong. You might be surprised at how effective mind over matter can be.

Accentuate the positive.
When you look in the mirror do you tend to focus on what’s bad/imperfect/you’d like to change? Every one of us can plead guilty to this. Next time, try to catch yourself doing this and begin shifting your self talk.  We’re not telling you to try to completely silence that critical inner voice. That would be nearly impossible.  

But try this: for every less than ideal trait you notice, make the point to lovingly appreciate one great trait you possess. Truly commit to doing this every day, day in and day out. It may sound and feel strange to compliment yourself every day. Many of us are taught to criticize instead of praise ourselves.  We fear being seen as too arrogant or boastful or self-centered.  But put those thoughts aside.  Stop looking outside yourself for validation. Instead try handing it to yourself, consistently and without apology.

Also make every effort to stop comparing yourself to others. That's setting yourself up to fall short.  You will never be anyone but you. By respecting your individual strengths every single day, you'll defuse the power of your weaknesses to control your thoughts and behaviors. And you will begin to embrace a more integrated, complete picture of yourself.

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orlando fl.

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My issue is that I have a twin brother and I was the one that had a acne problem when I was younger. So now I have a few scares on my face and he does not, so when people see us together I always think he looks better. He is the one who always has a girl, although he never treats them that well or appreciates them. Many times I become really good friends with his girlfriends and it seems they like who I am on the inside better than who he is, although I would never date a girl that he has already been with. It is also hard sometimes to be their true friend because when I go out with my brother he will tell girls we might meet out that he is single, so then I feel like I have to keep that from his girlfriend which is not a true friend but it is my brother, and we are very close. Back to my scares do you think I should try to get somthing done to my face cosmetically, it is not really that bad but when I see them in the mirror it is almost like they stand out I know I am self concious about it but thats my flaw, and it reflects because i am usually quiet when it come to metting wowmen because I feel like I will be rejected. Any suggestions?

- June 28, 2008 07:30 AM

kmdalera is happy.

unemployed at the moment

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I used to have a fairly good body, after three kids I was 36-24-27 and had a hard time finding clothes that fit through the waist if they fit through the hips. About 1996, I started gaining a lot of weight with no change in my eating habits, and after a bout with the flu, I wasn't able to go to the gym and work out any more because of the pain that came, and stayed, in my muscles. Well, I have fibromyalgia, but also have Hashimoto's, a severe thyroid disorder where the thyroid actually dies. Naturally, this was the weight gain cause, and everything about me changed. Now I'm twice the normal size for my height, though still pretty proportioned, I am just uncomfortably heavy. One thing I have noticed about myself, I'm still the same, and not really self-conscious about my size, but I don't have the frantic need to lose it like I used to. I would diet all the time to keep my hour-glass shape, and always looked fit to kill. I suspect that I'm hiding behind the 120 pounds that I have of extra 'me' just so I'm not noticed. Does that make sense? Anyone else have that happen. I don't look my age, and want to date men considerably younger because of it. I don't know it it's a blessing or a curse to look so young. Foot in mouth

- June 11, 2008 05:33 PM

Central California

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jimcoates wrote:

Unfortunately mirrors can only show us our reflection, or a reverse image of Self. For example, when you face any normal human being, you always look left-eye-toward-right-eye at them, and normal human relationship neurons fire in your brain. But, when you face any mirror, you always look left-eye-toward-left-eye at your own reflection, and normal human relationship neurons do not fire in your brain. The only abnormal human relationship you have with anyone is with your Self in a mirror. When you look into a mirror, you do not see your Self, you see your reflection. We never see that, unless we are standing beside you at that mirror. When we look at you, we see you, we do not see your reflection. Although a mirror is a nice tool for combing your hair or brushing your teeth, it's clearly an inappropriate tool for achieving accurate self-imagery. That image is not you, nor should you ever use such reversed images to evaluate, to think of, or to attempt to "improve" your Self. It's backwards, like running to third base first and believing that you're correct. As a professional performance coach , I teach with a precision optical instrument which reverses a traditional reflection, so that my students may look normally (left-eye-into-right-eye) at themselves. At first glance, for most people, it's an oddly disorienting learning experience. Improving self-image requires time and an accurate perception, or point-of-view, which traditional mirrors have never and can never provide.

That is the most interesting thing I have read about self perception. It is eye-opening. I am going to take that to mean that I may be more attractive to other people that I am to myself. Laughing I try to focus on my personality being the thing that will attract someone but we all know that looks matter.

- June 01, 2008 12:17 AM

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