Revealing Deep Dark Secrets

There's no question about it - sharing a dark secret with the new person in your life can be daunting. Get your personal roadmap to navigating this thorny topic so you emerge smelling like a rose.


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You've met a sweet, wonderful woman and you want to get to know her on a deeper level, but there's a lurking cloud of gloom from your past threatening to rain on the new happiness you're just starting to build. You want to tell her about it, but it's something you're ashamed of - something serious, like cheating on your last girlfriend, a large amount of debt or maybe even a former addiction! How, and when, do you tell your girlfriend about the huge, dark secret in your past?

Is Your Secret Old and Irrelevant, or Impacting You Currently?

Before you start to sweat in your shoes, think about how much real-world effect your past transgression could actually have on your new relationship. There are all types of secrets -- everything from a nasty divorce to theft -- and for sure, many of them might cause your girl to hesitate. But stealing money from your parents when you were 17 isn't going to weigh upon your new relationship in the same way as would, say, a large unpaid debt that you're still suffering from now. There's a big difference between a trust issue from the past and an ongoing issue that could prevent you from having a child or owning a home with your partner in the years to come.

Are You Confessing Just to Make Yourself Feel Better? If your dark secret is only a slight misstep that you rectified long ago, something that will have no impact on dating or your life now, first consider whether you need to share it at all. Are you telling your dark secret to help her and the relationship, or are you doing it to make yourself feel better? Remember, no one has the right to inspect every nook and cranny of your life, and not every woman wants you to take the skeletons out of your closet and shake them in her face. You can always make a confession to a priest, a psychologist or maybe your best buddy, but you don't necessarily need to tell all your past faults to your new lady friend. Do it because she needs to know, or because it's the right thing to do, not because you feel compelled to show her all your old dirty laundry.

How Do You Confess to Something that No Longer Affects You?

Let's say your dark secret was wrapped up a long time ago but it's something you need to tell. It's something like an addiction you had years ago, or a betrayal of your parents -- something that potentially hurt your family and friends at the time but that you worked hard to move past. For this scenario, it's definitely not something that could hurt your new girlfriend in any way, but it is something that she needs to know if she's going to understand you. We recommend that you break it to her relatively early in the relationship. Don't spill the beans on the first date, but don't wait too long. Trust is the absolute foundation of a relationship, and waiting until you know each other a bit is fine. However, stalling past that point can have serious consequences as to whether you're perceived as a forthright person.

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freeadvice

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hopb wrote:
I was glad to hear the subject brought up on STD's....I have been talking to this great guy who seems to be very much a good match for me personally....and then because he's this great, honest guy he told me that he has genital herpes, and asked if I could deal with that.....I'll admit, it does scare me...I'm kind of in this gray area right now because I'm a virgin...it has never been an issue I have had to deal with, but if we stayed together, it will then be a daily issue to face. It's so hard to be in the gray area of waiting for God's confirmation as to what to do about it....Do I trust in Him that this is something I can handle, and this guy was honest to tell me about it before we have even met, or am I blessed to know about it now before we meet and connect on an even more personal level, which then may make it harder if I don't want to deal with it.....Any thoughts?

I think you need to look at your first impression of this man. He is honest, he matches with your needs, qualities and meets with you on an emotional level. If you are compatible in values/morals and ethics/religion then why not go for it. GH is just another form of a cold sore for those who are uneducated about it. Would you tell someone they weren't for you b/c they break out in cold sores every now and then, sometimes very rarely? AND i know many people who have GH and it isn't a daily issue, at all (unless you want to take the suppression medication). Do you think taking a daily vitamin is a daily issue to face? I don't. Honestly, the only time they think about it is if they are having an OB. The OB's aren't so bad, you just should avoid sex. Most people avoid sex at some point in their marriage for some reason or another. If you like this guy, like him for who he is, not for what he has.

I am on the other end of the stick. I have GH and someone on EH is very interested in me. I am struggling on when to tell him b/c he would be the only the second person I have ever had to tell. I don't think I will tell him right away b/c GH doesn't define me. I am still the wonderful women God made me - I am honest, , good looking, educated, well-rounded, athletic and tons of fun to be around. I am a great catch. Personally, if I didn't have friends w/ GH and a future mate told me they had it and I didn't, I would probably run. I have educated myself on the subject and am familiar with many couples living with it (one, not the other, sometimes both) and know that in the large scheme of love, life and a relationship, GH is inferior to all of the other problems that occur w/ marriage or a committed relationship. SO...I wish you well in your decision. I trust that it is something you can handle. And just an fyi, but I do have a friend who can attest to that being the truth. She was a virgin (one of my many morman friends) and she met a man w/ GH. They have been married 16 years. She told me once that with all of her other issues in life, GH is NOTHING. Not even an afterthought. I say go for it, and I completely disagree with Whitman. It isn't being dishonest in not telling and it isn't deceiving - GH isn't a life sentence. I wish him well in his search:)

- May 29, 2008 11:23 PM
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lacy78

lacy78 is at home.

Michigan

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Secrets suck. I tend to be upfront on everything and if he decides he wants nothing to do with me ...well thats how it's got to be.

My ex fiancee had a secret, tons in fact, like the son he never told me about , or the vehicular homicide on his record. He even lied about his childrens ages.

Some people don't realize that the truth is so much better then finding out other ways.

Always be honest , it's your best bet.

- May 28, 2008 07:58 PM
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whitman

Houston, Tx

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southernlady wrote:
To Joanna, I disagree that he should know in advance, unless you are planning to sleep with him on this visit. I agree with you that it doesn't become relevant to your relationship until you see that you might actually go to the next level, and by that I mean marriage. I would not sleep with him OR reveal this until he indicates that he sees a future for you two. Then how he handles it tells you volumes about how committed he is to you. Just MHO.

I'm sorry, if someone had genital herpes and kept it from me until we were deeply involved emotionally (or as you suggest, when we were considering marriage), I would be very angry by the thoughtlessness of that deception.

If you have a problem like that, it is a lot different than a quaint story about you shoplifting when you were twelve. It is something your partner deserves to know *before* having invested his time and emotions in you. That is something you have to break early and see how it goes. And, sadly, get used to crying on the way home, because it will not be every man that wants to deal with that. It might be best to date a man who shares that particular ailment, such as one found in a relevant support group.

- May 28, 2008 11:14 AM
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