Is History Doomed to Repeat?
Q. My last relationship ended 6 months ago and I’m ready to head back in to the dating world, but . . .
by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Clinical Psychologist and eHarmony Founder
Question
Dear Dr. Warren,
My last relationship ended about six months ago and I think I'm ready to head back in to the dating world, but I’m a little scared to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. I seem to have a knack for being attracted to the wrong qualities in a person and end up dating the same kind of people. I have to believe that there is a happier relationship out there for me than the ones I’ve experienced. How can I make sure that history doesn't repeat itself? I'm not sure I could handle another heartbreak.
Sincerely,
Sarah in Tacoma, WA
Answer Dear Sarah,
Thank you for your question—it’s an excellent one, and I hear it often. First and foremost, let me congratulate you for being one step ahead of the gang: you are starting to recognize which aspects of your past relationships are not healthy for you and are willing to take steps forward to change your viewpoints and behaviors so that you can find a relationship that is so much better than the ones you’ve experienced in the past.
Being attracted to the "wrong" qualities in another can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes these aspects of a partner's or potential partner’s personality aren't "wrong" per se, but they are wrong for you—that is what’s known as incompatibility. In the beginning, these "wrong" qualities may attract you because they seem different and unique. They may even seem exciting. However in my experience, I like to say that opposites attract but then attack. Getting involved in any relationship in the beginning is exciting and new, but it’s how you feel six months or a year, or two years, or five years—or twenty years!—down the road that matters.
There’s a lot of talk these days about what compatibility means, and what I’ve found is that compatibility between two people is the single most important predictor of long-term relationship success. A successful relationship is a happy, loving and nurturing experience, and the word "partner" is not lip service. When you are in the right relationship for you, your partner is your best friend. By choosing your dates from among your eHarmony matches, you’ve already taken the biggest step toward avoiding dating the "wrong" kind of person for you because you’re already deeply compatible based on 29 Dimensions of Compatibility.
13 comments on
“Is History Doomed to Repeat? ”
I had a stormy relationship for about two months, It started at a casual lunch. We hit it off and kept it up while we were on the road the next three weeks. We talked on the phone, sent thousands of text messages and were in touch with each other all day long and sometimes through the night. There was never ending of our conversation. When we got back we met and met. When we couldn't meet, we sent texts to keep in touch. About two or three weeks after we started seeing each other, he asked me to join him at a cabin over the weekend. We had a great time. We were totally into each other. I had assumed that that meant we go exclusive to explore each other deeper. For my part, I didn't have time or interest for anyone else. I didn't think he had time for anyone else, either from the way he spent all his free time calling or texting to me. At the end of two months, we had a great week together seeing each other everyday. It came up in the conversation getting exclusive. I don't think I was demanding but I did say it was my expectation. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else but my expection of going exclusive was unacceptible. He tried to keep in touch but I could tell he could bring himself to be comfortable with me any more. We broke up about a month ago. Is it so wrong to expect an exclusive relationship after spending every second for two months?
- October 06, 2007 08:37 PM
Bernie,
I have gonr through the same thing with a few women. It is a control issue. They feel they can keep control of the relationship, especially if they know where you are. Hence, usually yuou are left hanging awaiting a phone call that comes hours later, or never even comes at all.
First time it happens I usually give it a pass. You never really know what happend. Second time, you hand them their walking papers. You dont need constant let down in your life. Plu, you can start seeing the trend forming and that they arent going to be that reliable or serious about the relationship....
- September 29, 2007 07:21 PM
I met someone on E-Harmony that I thought was great. Our telephone calls were great, as well as our first date. We both agreed that there was chemistry. It was like the more he told me about what he was looking for in a relationship the more I felt he was describing me. So eventually I invited him to my house for dinner but he failed to show and did not call to even let me know. A week later he called and asked if we could talk. When I met him again he said everything I was feeling so I left thinking things were back on track. So once again I invited him to my home. This time he called to say he would be on his way shortly but only to call back a few hours later to say he'd changed his mind and that I should call him the next day. I could not help but feel that this man has some other ulterior motives so I broke it off with him. Later a girlfriend of mine told me that men treat us this way because we make it easy for them to do so. Is there something wrong with treating others the way you want to be treated?
- September 06, 2007 07:19 PM
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