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I Can't Take Rejection

Dear Dr. Warren, My worst fear is being rejected by a female and when I do try to talk to the person that I like, my words come out all wrong. People say that a first impression is the most important thing but with me, that is not entirely true.

by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Clinical Psychologist and eHarmony Founder

Dear Dr. Warren,

My worst fear is being rejected by a female and when I do try to talk to the person that I like, my words come out all wrong. People say that a first impression is the most important thing but with me, that is not entirely true. How do I overcome that fear with out sounding like an idiot?

--Scott, OR

The first important point for you to realize is that almost every person you’ve ever met, has had this fear at one time in their life. Fear of rejection is one of the most basic human fears. Until a person learns some skills to lessen their anxiety and communicate confidently, this nervousness will continue.

You don’t mention your age, but many people learn these opposite sex social skills as a teenager. By enduring the awkward teenage social scene many people, in a series of hit and miss episodes, discover how to relate to the opposite sex in a meaningful, confident manner.

Of course, the story is different for everyone. If you’re having trouble expressing yourself as you’d like I can offer a few suggestion that will help.

Focus on the Other Person

When meeting someone for the first time, especially someone with whom we may have a romantic interests, it’s common to focus on how you look, how you sound, how you portray yourself. This is what is called “Being Self-Conscious.” It causes you to second guess every word you say. It virtually forces you to stop being your natural self and become a cautious self-analyzer.

The key to overcoming this problem is to recognize it and make a purposeful effort to control it. When you meet someone, take a moment to focus on them. If you’re taking a woman out for the first time, just spend the first few minutes together noticing the details of her appearance. Notice her hair, the tone of her voice, the way she smiles. You can do these things in a casual way. By putting your focus and attention on her you will become less self-conscious.

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