I am Terrible at First Dates!

Dr. Warren: I am terrible at first dates! My nerves usually get the best of me. I just can't be myself. I feel like I either am too quiet or say the wrong things. How will I ever end up with someone special if I keep blowing it on the first date?

by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Clinical Psychologist and eHarmony Founder

Dear Dr. Warren,

I recently got out of a long-term relationship and after a few months of dating have come to a scary realization. I am terrible at first dates! My nerves usually get the best of me. I just feel painfully awkward and can't be myself. I feel like I am either too quiet or say all the wrong things. How will I ever end up with someone special if I can't even get past the first date? Help

- Emily, FL

Thanks for your question, Emily. First of all, let me assure you that first-date jitters are natural. They can even be healthy. After all, they mean you are excited by the possibilities ahead. They mean you are engaged and interested. They mean you want to make a good impression. These are all terrific things to bring to a first encounter with someone!

The good news is that with just a bit of preparation and some vital perspective, you'll be able to dial down the awkwardness on your next date significantly. Plus, you'll start securing that prized second date in no time.

First-Date Survival Tip #1: Prepare and shift your perspective

Some people seem to just "wing" things. Whether it's a business meeting or a social situation, they can sweep in without much forethought and improvise. They feel comfortable and confident and even enjoy the challenge of the unknown. 

Most of us, however, are in a different camp. We need to do a bit of preparation to boost our comfort level and have things go smoothly. So give yourself some time to mentally and emotionally prepare before the date. This will do wonders in calming your nerves during the date. 

The single best thing you can do to prepare for a first date is to keep a healthy, other-centric perspective. Most people who are extremely nervous tend to be very self-conscious. They spend most of the date and the build-up to the date focused on themselves. "How do I look?" "What should I say?" "What does he think about my hair?"

A better, less stressful approach to take is to shift your mental energy and focus to the other person. Try to really listen to every word your date says. Make every effort to really get to know the person. Pay attention to all the details - the way he acts, his mannerisms, etc. By shifting the focus onto your date and away from yourself, you'll start feeling more at ease, plus you'll also gather better insight into whether the person has real potential.

I know that becoming other-focused can be a real challenge. But every time you feel a self-conscious thought creeping in, acknowledge it, rein it in, and get back to giving your date your full attention. This is one of the single best ways to make your date feel good and, in turn, interested in you!

First-Date Survival Tip #2: Location, location, location

Next, carefully consider the setting of a first date. Suggest a place/activity that puts you at ease, not one that makes you feel unnecessarily flustered. Keep it casual and loose instead of elaborate and rigid.

You may want to consider a lunch date. A lunch date can feel friendlier and less portentous than a dinner date - thus alleviating some of the romantic pressure that seems to enter the picture once night falls. With a midday rendezvous, if things aren't clicking, there's less pressure to keep the date going. You also still have the rest of your day to enjoy, which can be helpful in maintaining that healthy perspective. On the other hand, if you find yourself really connecting with your date, you can keep the fun going through the evening.

Always remember that the key (to the first date and dating in general) is to stay true to yourself. So if trendy hot spots make you self-conscious, speak up. There is plenty of time to be adventurous and try new things later on in a relationship. On the first date, it's best to keep it simple and low pressure.