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How to Break up Without Breaking your Partner's Ego

Ending a relationship is never fun, but do it with grace, class and sensitivity, and your ex will thank you for it. (Sooner or later)

Like Neil Sedaka said, breaking up is hard to do. Whether you’re dating someone with low self-esteem or someone with a big fat ego, you may worry that dumping him will leave him shocked and devastated, with feelings of worthlessness or even serious depression. You want out, but you don’t want to hurt your partner! How do you break up with someone without harming his or her fragile self-esteem?

Be Decisive

If you aren’t right for the company you work for, would you rather be fired right away or have your bosses keep you on but constantly yell at you, withhold your paychecks, and maybe even divert your 401(k) to another employee?

While breaking up can be awkward, if you keep your boyfriend or girlfriend around just because you dread the breakup conversation, then you’re just going to wind up becoming bitter toward this person for not taking the hint. She might fool herself for quite a while that the relationship is working because she’s blinded by love (or fear). But your desire to be rid of the ol’ ball and chain will cause more fights and more damage to her sense of self. It may even cause you to start exploring other avenues of dating before you’ve left your current Lover’s Lane, a situation that will be especially devastating to her self-esteem if she finds out.

If you're absolutely certain that you’re miserable in the relationship, don’t drag things out to the point where you’ve beaten your partner’s self-esteem into the ground. Make up your mind that breaking up is the right thing. Be polite but resolute that things need to stop here and now. It’s far better for the other person to have things end with a bang than with death by a thousand cuts.

Don't Make Weak Excuses

A lot of times, our exit strategy from a relationship is hard to explain in ways that aren’t hurtful. So we tell a big lie, often a variation of “It’s not you, it’s me.” Or we may say vague things we don’t really mean, like, “I just don’t want to date somebody my own age” or, “I need to take some time to think about my path in life,” because saying, “I’m sick of your laziness!” is just too honest.

There’s nothing wrong with being civil during a breakup or even omitting certain details that would be needlessly cruel. But if you make a weak excuse, something that’s not definitive, your ex might not believe the breakup is really final. He may think he can win you back by fixing something about himself, and expend even more self-destructive energy failing to win you over by changing his hairstyle and music collection. Or he may take your word that you’re “taking a break,” and then feel devastated when, after spending two weeks thinking about your paths in life, he spots you on a date with your tennis instructor.

If you’re breaking up and don’t want to crush the other person’s self-esteem, it’s best to say something firm, something that lets her know that it’s over because you’re incompatible. It’s okay to talk about the fundamental differences between the two of you: “You like to go out and I like to stay in” or, “I need somebody who thinks of her career the same way I do.” Let your partner know that you don’t believe this gap is something she will be able to bridge so that attempting to stay in more often or to get a new job is no longer an option. It’s too late, you’re leaving, but it’s not because she’s a terrible person. It’s just because you have different goals and needs.

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