How do I Stop Comparing Dates to my Ex?

Dear Dr. Warren,

I dated a wonderful woman for three years. We had deep-rooted compatibility, great sex, and what felt like real love between us. Since we broke up, I've met some great women on eHarmony, but I can't stop comparing them to my old love.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren

Dr. Warren,

At the risk of sounding pathetic, I have to ask for help. For three years, I dated a wonderful woman. I could go on and on about the ways we worked as a couple. We had deeply rooted compatibility, enjoyed great sex, and felt what seemed like real love between us. Then one day, she came home and said, “I’m moving out.” She had met someone else. Within three hours, our relationship was over. That was two years ago. I’ve met some great people on eHarmony. I’ve met some wonderful women in other areas of life as well. But no matter how much I like any one new person, I can’t stop comparing her to my old love. She was smart, beautiful, fun to be around, and affectionate, and new women always seem to fall short. I need help.

--Ty, CO

Ty, I can clearly hear the pain in your letter. It seems that this past love has put a roadblock in the path of future relationships. I suspect that many readers can identify with your sense of loss and frustration.

First, and most important, whatever great and wonderful things you may say about your past girlfriend, the fact is that she is no longer with you. She decided to leave in a manner that most would consider cruel and selfish. It is also highly probable that she was unfaithful to you. I imagine that this probably hurts to consider.

But Ty, you need to shock yourself out of your romanticism about this past relationship. The truth is that you can do much better. You can meet and fall in love with someone who respects you, is committed to you, and will treat you with loving compassion. These are all things that your past lover ultimately refused to do. There are people in this world who have an extraordinary set of natural gifts – people who are attractive, talented, kind, affectionate, intelligent, and successful. I have no doubt that your past girlfriend had many of these traits.

But there are many other people who have some mix of these desirable traits. In some people, those attributes sit on the surface and are easy to discover. In others, it requires some effort to find and appreciate them. I’d like to give you some suggestions that I believe will help you eliminate this habit of comparison while also boosting your ability to meet and appreciate someone new.