Helping a Partner Through Grief

The loss of a friend, family member or loved one can be overwhelming for anyone, but by being part of a strong support system you can play an important role in his or her healing process.

by Heather Setrakian, M.A.

The loss of a friend, family member or loved one can be overwhelming for anyone, but by being part of a strong support system you can play an important role in his or her healing process. Being a great listener is a given, but by recognizing and understanding the typical stages of healing and how they have developed, you will be in a much better position to help your partner through his or her grief.

The 5 Stages of Grief: Are They Appropriate? Many doctors, clinicians, and caregivers still use the following stages as milestones for the bereaved. Yet for those struggling with the loss of a loved one, the idea that grief recovery follows a standard timeline of set stages can seem ridiculous, if not infuriating. Certainly those who have had to heal from a painful loss are well aware that the process doesn’t fit in to neat little boxes. These five stages were originally outlined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, and referred to the steps that a terminally ill patient may go through upon learning of the finality of their situation.

These five stages synthesized what caregivers had witnessed in dying patients from studying their coping mechanisms. The stages at that point were not yet known as the 5 Stages of Grief, but rather "The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News." Since then, these stages have morphed into what is commonly known as

The 5 Stages of Grief:

D enial—This isn’t happening; this isn’t real.

A nger—Why has this befallen me? What have I done to deserve this suffering?

B argaining—If I can get out of this, I promise will be a better person.

D epression—I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t care anymore what happens to me.

A cceptance—Okay. This is real, and I’m ready for whatever I have to go through.

How long is too long to be grieving? On the surface, these 5 Stages of Grief seem sensible. And when the world is spiraling seemingly out of control due to grief, these stages may provide a certain comfort in their structure. But the idea that everyone could go through the same stages at the same time—and in the same order—led to the early notion that those not following the standard progress of grief may have a pathological form of grief that needed professional help (in other words, psychological counseling). Worse still, if the bereaved weren’t completely through the stages by a certain time, some might be treated as if their grief was out of sorts or inappropriate to their situation. More recent efforts have been underway by bereavement researchers to look at how people grieve over time. Synthesizing several grief theories, Jacobs (1993) presented a hypothesized set of responses to grief that expanded the stages:

1. Numbness-disbelief
2. Yearning-anger-anxiety
3. Depression-mourning
4. Recovery

Recent studies (Bonanno, Wortman, et al 2002; 2004) have also highlighted several distinct recovery paths, and found that normal grief reactions persisted even eighteen months after the loss occurred.