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Flirting 201: More than Meets the Eye

A warm smile, lingering eye contact, a touch on the arm--these flirtatious behaviors go far in letting someone know that you are attracted to them. What signals are you giving off and is your date picking up on them?

by Erina Lee, Ph.D.

A warm smile, lingering eye contact, a touch on the arm – these flirtatious behaviors (also known as courtship behaviors) go far in letting someone know that you are attracted to them. Researchers have spent much time categorizing these numerous behaviors, which include head tossing, eyebrow lifting, lip licking, and back caressing, just to name a few (Moore, 1995). Being the complex creatures we are, however, no one behavior can signal instant attraction.

There are even more complicated patterns of behavior that operate on a subconscious level. For example, if your date crosses his or her leg, do you do the same? The patterns and kinds of movements you engage in with a partner are thought to communicate synchronicity, often implying that both of you are on the same page and on some level understand one another. In fact, studies show that the more you engage in mutual behavior patterns, the more interested you are in that other person (Grammer, Kruck, & Magnusson, 1998).

With courtship behaviors, one school of thought is that more is better, or at least clearer. The idea is that the more flirtatious behaviors you engage in, the more likely the other person is to know that you are interested. It is how you get the attractive stranger across the room to look your way or how you let your new date know that you want something more than just friendship.

As with any form of communication, however, success depends on the person giving the cues as much as it does on the person receiving the cues. How adept is the other person in picking up your signals? A wide breadth of research has been conducted on knowing when someone is trying to get your attention versus when they are just being friendly. While most people make mistakes from time to time, research shows that men are more likely to misinterpret friendliness for sexual intent. There are also several characteristics that make misinterpretation of sexual interest more common. For example, men with tendencies toward violence, hostility, openness to casual sexual encounters, and intoxication are more likely to see friendliness as sexual interest (Jacques-Tiura, et al., 2007).

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