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In the heat of an argument it’s easy to succumb to fighting dirty to "win," especially when you might feel you’re not being heard, but you could be damaging your relationship. By learning how to fight fairly, conflict can become a tool for deepening the bonds you share.
It is a popular myth that the goal of a perfect relationship is to be conflict free. In fact, those relationships in which two people never fight are nearly always filled with repressed resentments that eventually explode into damaging arguments. And because partners in these types of relationships are not used to managing conflict on a regular basis, neither one has the skills necessary to solve the problems that have come up. The relationship will begin to stall on key points and the tension around unresolved issues will continue to build. While this type of relationship might not completely dissolve over the course of one or two major explosive arguments, having the same unresolved issues crop up again and again over time can lead to breakups and a lot of unhappiness.
When conflict is seen as tool to move you toward a resolution and bring you together, however, it becomes something not to run away from but something to embrace for the betterment of your relationship. When both partners realize the connection between problem-solving and love and acceptance, fighting becomes an opportunity to strengthen a union between two people. Arriving at resolutions deepens your love and appreciation for each other and what you share, and renews the desire to be with one another. Quite simply, how two people decide to manage their conflict can make all of the difference between a relationship that works and one that ultimately doesn’t.
Fortunately, by following the rules of fighting fairly you will be able to lessen the damaging impact of conflict and will be able to arrive at mutually satisfying resolutions.
Fighting constructively
Fighting fairly is a three-step process. Each step will be easier or more difficult depending on the communication skill level that a person already possesses. But don’t worry—even if you or your partner (or both!) are just beginning to learn the importance of effective communication, you can still put these three steps into practice and observe a noticeable result in lessening the damage of conflict with your partner. Over time and with practice, resolving arguments both big and small will become easier, and conflict won’t have the same explosive power to create situations in which both partners experience considerable hurt.
Before you begin to talk about the actual conflict, agree to set following ground rules first:
- No raising of the voice—it’s hard to talk constructively when someone is yelling.
- No sarcasm or put-downs—you are both mature adults who do not need a referee to assign blame and declare a "winner."
- Be specific to shed some light on what you are thinking and how you are feeling: Instead of saying "You are like this, and it drives me nuts!" you could say, "When you do this one activity, it makes me feel like this because…"
- Schedule a rain check if there is alcohol involved. It’s not usually a good idea to have serious discussions after one or both partners have been drinking. Even though you may feel more relaxed in some ways, there comes a tipping point with alcohol in which people become emotionally unavailable, whether they are aware of it or not. So take a rain check to talk about it tomorrow when both you and your partner are well rested and back to everyday senses, no matter how aggravated you may be in the moment.
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