Do you have Realistic Expectations?

Are your standards so high that you're setting yourself up for disappointment? Discover the fine line between waiting for Prince Charming and debarking the train at Loserville.

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To date is to have standards. But expectations for your future flame must have compromising perimeters to allow for the unpredicted. Impractical expectations can cause dissention and resentment in existing relationships and ultimately curb your opportunities for new ones. With expectations set so high, are you just setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment?

Finding Fault

It seems the older you get, the more critical you become. You couldn’t date a woman who has children or you wouldn’t consider a divorced man. Through the greener-grass mentality, you believe that there is a better match to be found, a combination of all your persnickety prerequisites and then some. The challenge is to examine why you feel entitled to a perfect 10 when everyone – including you – is blessed with imperfections. To have a discerning eye is logical, but don’t get wrapped up in the concept of impossible bedtime stories. Is it really such a bad thing to concede that love and relationships really aren’t flawless and simple?

Far-Fetched Fantasy

When seeking out Mr. or Ms. Right, everyone has a fantasized ideal in mind. Visualizing the utopian mate may actually help you discover what you are looking for in a relationship. On the other hand, it’s important to recognize that perfection doesn’t exist outside of your psyche. Some people may come close, but the image of the ideal mate creeps its way back in with its lofty conditions.

Women may have an even tougher time, since many grow up dreaming of a fairytale romance, including how you will meet, kiss and wed. With this love story planned out to the last detail, you suffer from unattainable expectations that are only manifested in storybook endings. This childhood innocence even follows you as a grown woman, pining for the medieval main squeeze as the rescuer of lonely hearts. It’s no wonder that these fantasies only hinder your possibilities, perpetuating the listless practice of waiting for someone to rescue you.

Limit Less

When you set rigid guidelines and specific characteristics that your ladylove or main man must epitomize, you effectively limit your options. Vain requirements such as hair color, body type and size of bank account only place the focus on superficial criteria rather than the gooey insides. Okay, so perhaps removing your limits altogether would put you on the fast track to Loserville, but relaxing your restrictions might just expand your pool of potential suitors.

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Georgia

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beloved0000 wrote:
I found the article helpful. I get told all the time that I need to lower my expectations. I don't see why I should. I think I'm being realistic. He has to have more to offer me than co-dependent clinginess, one tooth in front with a big 'ol belly hanging over his belt, ya know? Here's what I want...1) he's a one woman man from the start, 2) has a half way decent job, doesn't jump from job to job and pays bills with his money, doesn't blow it all on himself and then wonder why he can't pay the bills, 3) I like mechanically inclined men...I do carpentry/remodeling/landscaping as a hobby, I'd like him to share my hobby (windows are heavy, I need someone to help lift them when installed)...also, maybe he can fix my car? 4) he enjoys being with me and pays attention to me EVEN if he doesn't want sex, 5) is relatively intelligent, can hold an intelligent conversation and has an opinion of his own, 6) believes in taking care of his health on the long term...doesn't need to be anal about it, but understands eating right and regular excercise are important and doesn't judge me if I have cellulite. I'm almost 47, have had 4 children. My daughter calls me a "hot mama", and judging by many men's reactions to me, I think they like what they see. But I've had guys loose interest as soon as they find out that I have cellulite...ummm, ok. Alot of women do. Especially over 30. I'll bend in LOTS of areas, but these I've listed are really some of my hardest to bend let alone break. I don't think I'm being unrealistic. Monogamy, financially responsible, mechanically inclined, respectful and intelligient. But so far, he doesn't exist. (That actually describes my brother, but he's married, AND my brother)...And I obviously don't fit thru all of his size-5-with-perfect-skin-nympho- maniac hoops. They always like that I'm a carpenter and drive a commercial vehicle, tho. Go figure...
Thank you for this confirmation. I am not as anal as I am told to be. Finally someone who believes as I do. I think I have lowered my standards over the years because no one seems to think this was any more. Must settle. NOT!. Thanks again. I will find my true self once more and look for whom I deserve.
- May 11, 2008 01:24 AM

Georgia

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Wow. This showed up at a good time for me. I DO have high expectations. Yes I DO get disappointed a lot. But I am a hopeless romantic and I give chance after chance to prove me otherwise. Inner satisfaction. I was raised with these values. Why settle for less.?. Because that may be all there is out there and you may be looking forever. The journey is as important as the destination.
- May 11, 2008 12:38 AM

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Beulah wrote:

Are soulmates real? Is it too much to believe that in God we will find the special person we're meant to be with, and together discover the heights of romantic love? My pastor says Christians can expect this--i wonder if others agree?

Consider an alternative view--rather than viewing it as God having chosen one, and it's your (and his) job to figure out who that one is, try this instead: consider that God has given you quite a bit of instruction in the Bible on how married couples are to relate to each other, and he's also given you a brain, and plenty of other sources of wisdom to make a good decision. Your objective may not be to find "the one" he has chosen for you, but instead to find a one who's a good match, and within his revealed moral will (unmarried, Christian, etc.).

On the one hand, this view is very freeing--you're not trying any more to find the one perfect answer, and agonizing over what God may be telling you about somebody who seems great on every level. OTOH, it places the responsibility on you to make the decision yourself.

The view your pastor has expressed is extremely common among evangelical Christians (of which I am one), but I don't believe it's Biblically correct. For a much more thorough treatment of the issue, check out Decision Making and the Will of God by Garry Friesen. It's not light reading, but it covers this issue very thoroughly, with quite a lot of Biblical reference.

- April 24, 2008 03:34 PM

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