Do Long-Distance Relationships Last?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but is that conducive to a long-distance relationship? Research suggests that people in long-distance relationships tend to build up their partners in their mind, which can spell problems once the distance gap is closed.

by Amy Strachman, Ph.D

Do Long-Distance Relationships Last?
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In today’s online-dating world, many couples find themselves in long-distance relationships. But do they last? The everyday, face-to-face communication is believed to help foster and maintain romantic relationships by giving people a chance to display and understand each other, and yet, some long distance relationships tend to last. What gives? Researchers suggest that one reason long distance relationships last is because they are prone to “romantic idealizations,” or the tendency to describe their relationship in unrealistically positive terms.

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For example, people in long distance relationships tend to reminisce about their partner in a more positive way. These positive memories lead them to believe they have a lot more in common, regardless of whether or not they really do. Partners in long distances have the advantage of always “putting their best foot forward,” perpetuating these “idealizations” of the relationship. In other words, people in long distance relationships rarely see all the daily ups and downs of their partner’s mood and behavior.

Once a relationship is no longer long-distance and the couple moves into closer proximity, these “idealizations” can lead to a break-up. Distance prevents partners from learning about each other’s negative qualities--potentially creating an overly positive impression. The relationship may be happy and stable while apart, but this false reality can become quite disappointing once back together.

How can you make sure you to don’t succumb to these “idealizations” and make long distance relationships last? Researchers have also suggested that long distance relationships have a better chance of lasting if you can increase the quality as well as the frequency of interactions. And in our internet savvy world, there are plenty of ways to increase communication! Webcams, test messaging, phone calls, and emails can all supplement face-to-face communication.

Good communication skills are also key--you have to be willing to put yourself out there and express how you feel. Make sure to talk about everything, just as you would if you saw your partner every day. This may also be a time to explore non-physical intimacy. When unable to be physically close, you and your partner need to develop other more creative and unique ways to become intimate. Partners that take active and conscious strives to get know each other will have a more realistic perception of their relationship, and will make their long distance relationships LAST!

References: Stafford, L., & Merolla, A.J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relations, 24(1), 37-54.

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89 comments on “Do Long-Distance Relationships Last? ”


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beautifulgenius

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[QUOTE=nunayabizness;877851]My experience says that they last from 6 months to a year. As a general rule, if your long distance relationship has lasted a year, either one of you moves now or it is over.[/QUOTE] I would say, not necessarily, it all depends on the circumstances....some things are worth waiting for :)
- March 14, 2010 05:57 PM
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peacockfeather

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I would like some advice. I have been matched with someone on eharmony and we live in different countries. We both feel very strongly that we are very very well matched. The most important things to us in life are the things that we have in common and even more. We communicated daily on skype for about 2 hours and we have discussed the practical issues in detail. The plan is for me to visit him in a couple of months and then see how we get along face to face. I was extremelt worried that I would go there and fall madly in love and then be put into a position where I would have to make a decision to move to his country. Its not that I wouldnt like to live in another country but I have just returned home after 2 years of travelling and I am more happy and content with my life now than I ever have been, I feel like I am really set up and I have a wonderful career in music here.

He has said to me that he would be willing to move to my country should we decided to be together and take all the risks. He doesnt have a lot to lose as he is somewhat in limbo at the moment having lost his job, and visa ( he is not living in his original home) and is now staying with his brother odd doing od jobs.

He works in the same industry as me and I think that I could get him work here.

I am a very intelligent and practical person, so is he it seems. There is of course an extrememly romantic element attached to this relationship. It feels to us that the spiritual connection is very strong. Obiously there is no physical connection as we have never met. We are attarcted to each other through our looks and have seen each other on webcam. We both have a very strong and balanced sense that this realationship could really work out.

If anyone out there has had an experience like this Id love to hear. I dont want to mess up his life or mine. I want to take the risk but a little part of me is scared to take the next step of physically meeting, because I would hate to make a big mistake that could have consequences on both our lives. We have both been extremely hurt in the past. I dont wanna hurt this man. I dont wanna mess up my life either,

Any comments? Do you think this is enough to take the risk? Is there anything else I can do? Any other steps or converstaions we should have before I take the plunge?

Thanking you all in advance

BTW I am feeling an overwhelming urge to go for it. My gut says a giant YES. I am not in the clouds but I do have"in love " fellings already....we both do. Is that normal? Or am I just getting carried away by the fantasy? I am trying so much to be practical here. We both are. We have discussed all of this with each other.

- March 14, 2010 05:30 PM
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nunayabizness

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My experience says that they last from 6 months to a year. As a general rule, if your long distance relationship has lasted a year, either one of you moves now or it is over.
- February 06, 2010 02:14 PM
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