Dating: When to Spend and When to Splurge

As if dating didn't come with its own set of challenges, it's expensive to boot. But taking someone out doesn't have to be if you know when to splurge and where to save.

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Boy, talk about pressure! Some of the toughest dating dilemmas, especially early on in a relationship, have to do with how much money you should spend on a date. What’s the lower limit I can spend without looking like a cheapskate? When should I splurge a little? When is it expected that I go all out? How far into a relationship is a cheap date OK?

There’s no rule book that offers concrete answers to these questions, but there are some pretty clear guidelines you can follow about how much dough to lay down. Here are a few suggestions:

First off, relax, because …

You Don’t Have to go Hog Wild

There’s really never a time you have to spend more than you’re able to. So let’s start there. Take a deep breath and relax. You may choose to go all out and do things up big—which will often impress a date and give you the chance to create a unique experience—but you shouldn’t ever feel as if it’s absolutely expected that you spend a lot of money. Sure, there are certain outings that simply cost more than others. But if you feel pressure to throw down some serious jack, and worry that if you don’t you may not get another date with this person, then maybe that’s not the kind of person you want to be spending your time (or money) on anyway.

Still, that being said …

A Good Date does Demonstrate that you’re Investing in the Relationship

By “relationship” we don’t mean that you’re necessarily headed toward marriage; it might even be a first date we’re talking about. And we’re not necessarily talking about a financial investment either. But whether it’s early or late in a relationship, it’s important that from time to time you show the other person that you’re making a real effort to plan a date that’s fun and meaningful. Any effort and thoughtfulness will go a long way toward creating a real connection.

But don’t put constant pressure on yourself to come up with perfect date after perfect date, because …

Good Dates can also be about Relaxing and just Being Together

Especially once you’ve gotten into a rhythm in your relationship, you may just want to hang out and watch TV—if that’s what you both enjoy doing. But even when you’re just getting to know each other, you don’t have to spend hours planning a perfect date that requires loads of creativity and expense. Instead, just make sure to provide the time and opportunity to be together and talk about who you are. There’s nothing wrong with just going to a cheap and interesting burger joint, or taking in a ball game, or going out with friends. The point is that dating is about getting to know each other better and deepening your relationship. So make an effort to provide the environment and opportunity for that to happen.

Still, don’t use that as an excuse to get into a rut, because …

You Don’t Want to be Cheap and/or Lazy

As we said, it’s not necessary that you rent a white horse and medieval knight costume every time you plan something to do together. And again, your date needs to understand that going out frequently—even just for dinner and a movie—can get expensive. There are plenty of dates you can plan that don’t cost a lot of money but show that you’ve put at least some thought into how you are going to spend your time together. (For example, think about hiking, going to a museum, attending a free concert in the park, etc.) Still, keep in mind that there are times when there’s just no way around shelling out some dough. For example, you may need to spring for valet parking instead of saving a couple of bucks by making your date walk six blocks in stilettos. (And if she’s wearing stilettos, it’s probably worth the extra money.) On the other hand, don’t expect money to replace thoughtfulness, because …

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DreamingOfAtlantis

DreamingOfAtlantis sad the Tour de France is over and he has to wait 49 weeks for next year's!

Richmond, Virginia

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singinggirl wrote:

I understand your point. Unfortunately, I have known women who do this kind of thing, who will go out with someone for a free meal. I don't know a way around it. Just like I don't know how you get around that some men feel they are entitled to certain 'privileges' if they pay for dinner.

The fact is that I have frequently spent more on my sitter than my date has spent on our evening out. And if the evening out is my treat, it ends up costing me a LOT. I'm not complaining--just stating a fact. It's a choice I make.

I hope you find someone who is true and is looking for the same things you are. I believe when you do, you won't have any doubts about her intentions. Good luck!

"I understand your point. Unfortunately, I have known women who do this kind of thing, who will go out with someone for a free meal. I don't know a way around it. Just like I don't know how you get around that some men feel they are entitled to certain 'privileges' if they pay for dinner."

Exactly one of my points. I've enjoyed discussing this topic and I'm glad that there are a lot of people here who can discuss it or disagree with me and not take it personally. (I try, when discussing different viewpoints to focus on facts and logic and some people see that as me being cold or aggressive, but it's the way I discuss these things.) What I do find interesting is that I seem to have offended a few women with my stand, but as I've said, I suspect that those in the camp of "I'm entitled to a free meal because of my gender, so how dare you rock the boat!" Personally, I have no problem with offending someone like that, whether it's in a discussion or if she's offended on a date. If it's on a date, then she's shown her colors and I'm thankful I found out early.

"The fact is that I have frequently spent more on my sitter than my date has spent on our evening out. And if the evening out is my treat, it ends up costing me a LOT. I'm not complaining--just stating a fact. It's a choice I make."

As I've mentioned this is a factor I do take into account. If I'm going out with a single parent I know she's probably spending more than I am. If that happens, sometimes I try to find a way to even things out, which is my way of trying to say I don't expect her to be contributing more than what I do. I may have said that with a single parent, I also am prepared to wait for her because having kids can create problems with being on time.

"I hope you find someone who is true and is looking for the same things you are. I believe when you do, you won't have any doubts about her intentions. Good luck!"

Thank you!

- May 31, 2008 10:21 PM
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DreamingOfAtlantis

DreamingOfAtlantis sad the Tour de France is over and he has to wait 49 weeks for next year's!

Richmond, Virginia

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Shelby wrote:

DoA, I believe that it's important to find a mate that will be your "partner", and not a "passenger" in your life. It seems like you've met many "passengers" who want to be carried along, or desire a subsidized lifestyle. To screen for these types initially, I would ask about lifestyle questions (e.g., restaurants they enjoy, hobbies/ sports/ travel frequency, work or profession, etc.) to assess their ability to afford or prioritize their resources (i.e. income stream) to their interests. If I was still interested, I would go on a first date to see if there would be enough buzz for a second date or more. During these dates I would look for any offers of partnership, e.g., sharing in the check, offering to bring dessert or wine if I cook a meal, paying for dinner if I pay for movie tickets, etc. I think your posts indicate that you've screened your dates this way, and the women who have stepped up to the "partnership" plate during the first dates continue to demonstrate their willingness to be a partner in the relationship. You' seem to be on the right track; you just need to find the right pool of women! Maybe volunteer at the local university -- teach an extension class or usher at the theater? Good Luck! Shelby

"I believe that it's important to find a mate that will be your "partner", and not a "passenger" in your life."

Exactly!

"It seems like you've met many "passengers" who want to be carried along, or desire a subsidized lifestyle."

The thing is, and I'm not trying to brag, but now I could actually do that, but not any time before the past few years, especially not when I was a teacher, and that's part of it. When I was a teacher, there were many times I saw that I was being turned down or given low priority because I was a teacher. While that hurt, I would not want to be with a woman who could not respect a teacher. It's an important job and hard, honest work.

While I was a teacher, though, was when I had some of the best relationships of my life with partners that were other teachers (or closely related, such as a speech path in a local school system) and even a well paid Assistant Attorney General. Now my clients are lawyers and mortgage refinancers and other "professionals" so I don't easily brush up against the people I used to meet. I know it's a stereotype, but since this business has put me in contact with such people, I have found most of the women in this circle are much more interested in a "professional" man, which includes a notable salary.

To get to where I am I had to go through a gauntlet of overwork, loneliness, and pain, including not being able to pay bills at times and many other problems. I mentioned that I could actually subsidize a comfortable lifestyle now, but when I started out on creating my business and could not find anyone to date and decided that after I made it through that personal hell and was doing well, I would not want to share my life with anyone that would not have been there for me emotionally while I was going through the rough times. My feeling is that it would be unfair of a partner to jump in and join me when things are going well if she was not the kind of person that would have helped me reach that point in the first place. It'd be like working for years on a work of art then finding someone that expected to be able to get it without being willing to pay for it.

"To screen for these types initially, I would ask about lifestyle questions (e.g., restaurants they enjoy, hobbies/ sports/ travel frequency, work or profession, etc.) to assess their ability to afford or prioritize their resources (i.e. income stream) to their interests."

I do that. While I don't usually get to this, I do keep in mind a story one of my best friends told me. She had a male friend (yes, friend only) who was wealthy and was dating three different women. He told my friend he really wanted to settle down and date just one, but he wasn't sure how his dates actually felt about him and wanted to figure out whether they were with him for who he was or for his money. She suggested he take each woman out for a picnic, making sure he spent less than about $25 on the entire date. He thanked her for that because after doing that with each of the women, not one of them took his calls after that.

Personally, if that happened to me, I don't know if I could be big enough to not leave a message saying, "I hope you liked the picnic. I thought it would give us time to get to know each other well as individuals. I'm disappointed that after that opportunity you disappeared as if you were more interested in my money than in me."

"You' seem to be on the right track; you just need to find the right pool of women!"

Thank you. That's about my feeling, which is why I started the thread asking where people on this site go and spend time. It's not just an age thing, but as late as around 1995 it was easy to find single women around and since then, it's been darned impossible to meet any single women, no matter what the age range.

"Maybe volunteer at the local university -- teach an extension class or usher at the theater?"

Both ideas I hadn't thought of. Although I don't know what they'd want for extension classes and such and, honestly, I burned out on teaching when I was a Special Ed teacher. I would be interested in teaching some kinds of weekend classes or other group classes that don't involve grading papers and such. As I mentioned, I've been considering taking some philosophy classes. I mentioned Maslow before. I figure anyone taking (or teaching) a philosophy class would definitely be someone interested in the higher levels on the needs hierarchy.

So far I've gotten a few good suggestions along the way, including volunteering for a political campaign for a candidate who represents my views, and the ones you've mentioned. I've been spending time at the library at VCU, which is downtown (I just hate going downtown, though!) while researching Atlantis for a screenplay I'm planning and I notice the library area is close to dead, but that could also be the time of year now.

- May 31, 2008 10:11 PM
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singinggirl

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DreamingOfAtlantis wrote:

singinggirl wrote:

DreamingOfAtlantis wrote:

singinggirl wrote:

When a man takes me out for the first time, I rarely offer to pay; he asked me out. It seems logical to me that the 'asker' is the 'payer'.

However, if the person is someone that I hit it off with and we continue dating, he will find that I am a very giving person.

So how's he supposed to know, from the start, that you're a caring person or that you're just looking for someone who will spend al lhis efforts giving to you? What do you show him on that first date that gives him a reason to believe that you want anything more than to take him for whatever you can? What does he see that would make him want to ask you out again?

I hope that our sparkling conversation will bring to light our personalities and show us both what we have in common and why we both would want to see each other again. If someone seemed worth inviting out in the first place, surely there were some redeeming qualities that made you think you would have something in common and enjoy being together.

I am an independent woman who has lived on my own for several years. I provide for myself and my children. I even have 9 hours towards my doctorate. I am not looking for someone that I can take for something. I am looking for an equal.

DoA, you seem like such a cynical, untrusting person. In order to find love, you have to take a chance and, yes, sometimes spend a little money.

Actually, I've learned to be cynical in terms of always asking the next question and looking at whatever side of the issue hasn't been brought to light. If I didn't do that, my business would never have gone anywhere.

If you have kids and I know you're hiring a babysitter, that's an issue in itself. I know at that point to allow you a good 15-30 minutes from our original date time because you just don't know with a single parent and I also know that means if we go to a simple dinner you'll likely spend more on the babysitter than I'll spend.

I'm not scared of spending money. But if we meet, and I'll take the kids out of the equation for now, if we meet for a date, I am investing in it. I don't mean I'm expecting a profit, but I've invested more than just the time we spend together. If a woman isn't paying for a babysitter, then she's not investing. One of the reasons that creates an inqeuity is because I have to, even if I'm well off, take into account just how many dinners out or meetings for coffee I'm going to pay for. I have to figure my time and money in that equation. A woman, on the other hand, could go out and have a man treat her to dinner every night and she could be interested in him or she could just be looking forward to a free meal at a restaurant she enjoys.

So it starts with a certain amount of inequity. From the start a man has to invest in a relationship and the woman gets treated. Which is why I ask, how will a man know that you're willing to invest in the relationship?

In your case, if you're paying for a sitter and having to make arrangements for the kid(s), it tells me you're willing to invest. Your resources are limited, just as mine are, and you are making a decision to invest by giving up some of your limited resources. Even with scintillating conversation, it's not always possible to know what's going on. (You may not believe it, but women have been known to fake men out and use them for expensive dinners.)

You may not be looking for someone to take for something, but if you and I meet for dinner, how will I know that? If you didn't have to pay for the sitter or make some other kind of investment of limited resources, how would I know that?

As far as taking chances and trusting, I know all about that.

What amazes me is that whenever this comes up, and many times in this thread, from many posts, a lot of women think this is just about money and not spending money or not losing money. As I've pointed out before, that is not the issue. Remove the single parent factor and you have men using their limited resources for a date and the woman doesn't need to. Yes, both invest time, but that is time that would be spent eating anyway, so it's not a significant investment. It's not about money. You talk about me taking a chance, well a man does that every time he spends money on a date. Otherwise it balances out. Both parties are spending time and taking potential safety risks, but as a man, I want to know if my date is willing to take a chance and risk an investment just as I have to in the first place.

I understand your point. Unfortunately, I have known women who do this kind of thing, who will go out with someone for a free meal. I don't know a way around it. Just like I don't know how you get around that some men feel they are entitled to certain 'privileges' if they pay for dinner.

The fact is that I have frequently spent more on my sitter than my date has spent on our evening out. And if the evening out is my treat, it ends up costing me a LOT. I'm not complaining--just stating a fact. It's a choice I make.

I hope you find someone who is true and is looking for the same things you are. I believe when you do, you won't have any doubts about her intentions. Good luck!

- May 31, 2008 10:00 PM
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