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Dating, Divorce, and Your Kids

New research looks at single parent dating and what children need to thrive during this important time.

by Heather Setrakian, M.A.

With the US divorce rate still lingering around 50% for first marriages, many children have experienced their parents’ divorce by the time they are eighteen. And most adults are out and dating again within a year after their divorce, sometimes dating several partners before remarriage. While there have been several studies on divorce, remarriage and step-parenting, very few exist for the courtship period parents go through before remarriage.  Here are some guidelines to consider concerning post-divorced dating and your children:

Adjusting to the idea of dating isn’t just for parents. Dr. Constance Ahrons, author of The Good Divorce and We're Still Family and professor emeritus at University Southern California, recently completed a 20 year longitudinal study on children of divorce. She found that the young children she studied worried about how their parent's dating process was going to affect them. Children between the ages 5 and 10 were more possessive of their mother than older children.  Leah Klungness, co-author of The Complete Single Mother, states that post-divorce dating can be stressful for children. Don't assume that kids will understand the need for a "crazy phase" of dating.  They are dealing with their own issues of loss, betrayal, adjustment, trust- just to name a few. Parents need to make sure before things get tricky that children understand their continued importance to them, the freedom for the child(ren) to continue a close loving relationship with the ex-spouse (despite any personal misgivings) and the possibility of new people in the parent's life.

Your attitudes and behaviors on dating will be a model for your children. Teenage children are entering a new world of dating behavior that may include sex, and will look to their parents as models of behavior. What they see is what they’ll do. Research has shown that single parents’- and especially mothers’- attitudes and behaviors on sex and dating influence their children’s attitudes and behaviors. Specifically, single mothers’ dating behaviors directly influenced their son’s sexual behaviors, and indirectly influenced their daughter’s sexual behaviors by affecting her attitudes on sex. Parents should talk about appropriate behavior for adults and adolescents before either side starts an intimate relationship. 

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