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We know you know it already: Communication is key to a good relationship. And when communication breaks down, the relationship almost inevitably goes south. But surprisingly, many people don’t know the fundamentals of good communication, and as a result, their relationships pay the price.
Make “I” Statements, Not “You” Statements
When we get upset with or feel hurt by a partner, our natural tendency is to automatically attack: “You drive me crazy! You never ask my opinion when you decide something important!” Making “you” statements like these guarantees that a relational barrier is built between you. Your partner has virtually no alternative but to feel blamed, accused, and criticized. It is extremely unlikely that he or she will say, “Yes, you’re right. I can be very insensitive.” Instead, the natural reaction will be defensive: “What do you mean? If you have an opinion, just say it. I can’t read your mind.”
What typically follows is a reciprocated “you” statement: “You’re the one that’s insensitive! Did you ever consider the pressure I’m under right now?” Volleying “you” statements back and forth is a surefire way to spoil an evening together.
This scene could be completely different if “I” statements are used instead to report how you feel or how you experience the situation: “I feel hurt and neglected when you don’t ask my opinion.” Do you sense the difference? “I” statements dispense information to be understood by your partner rather than accusations to be defended. “I” statements are much more likely to elicit concern and caring from your partner: “I’m sorry. I had no idea you were feeling that way.” “I” statements don’t cause defensiveness, because they don’t seem to be pointing out how bad your partner is.
When you make “you” statements, all your partner hears is blame and criticism. “I” statements, on the other hand, are much more effective, because they allow your message to be correctly heard and understood. So in the future, instead of saying, “You try to make me feel stupid by always correcting me,” say something like, “I feel put down when you correct little things I say.” It’s a subtle difference, but when you begin your sentences with “I” rather than “you,” you’ll save your relationship from a lot of grief, and you’ll have a better shot at understanding each other in a deeper way.
Mirror What you Hear
Many people think of listening as a passive activity. But actually, good listening is about action. One of the best ways to listen actively is to “mirror” what you hear your partner saying, so that he or she knows you’re really listening. For example, if your partner says something like “I can’t believe I didn’t get that promotion! I’ve been there a year longer than that guy,” then you might respond, “That really made you mad, didn’t it? And you feel like it’s totally unfair.” This kind of response lets the other person know you’ve really tuned in to what he or she is saying.
This technique—which is also called “reflective listening”—can be especially helpful when you two are arguing. If, for instance, your partner says, “You were supposed to be here at 7:00, and you didn’t show until after 8:00,” you can diffuse the situation by saying, “That really upset you, didn’t it, because you felt like I was ignoring your feelings?” The point of reflective listening is to let your partner know that you have heard what he or she has said and that you understand the message.
By the way, if you are at a loss and ¬can’t seem to reflect your partner’s message, then say something like “Tell me more about it” or “Help me understand what you mean.” This safety-net technique can work wonders.
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