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Your mom may disagree, but when it comes to relationships it’s not always prudent to adhere to the maxim “honesty is the best policy.” When looking for and cultivating interpersonal connections, we should all be up-front about ourselves. There is a need to reveal information about our past relationships and what our expectations are in moving forward with that other person. But does the other person need to really know everything?
The short answer is no. In fact, there are certain scenarios where it behooves us and our relationships to lie (or more precisely) withhold the truth. Read on to learn where and when it’s okay to hold your tongue, or even spit out what the Germans refer to as an “emergency lie.”
Lying about your Insecurities
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It’s a sad fact that often we are nicer to other people than we are to ourselves—at least in our own minds. Unless we practice keeping it in check, a disparaging inner dialogue can eat away at our self-esteem until we feel like less than nothing. But when we verbalize the awful things we think about ourselves to our significant other, that person and the relationship suffer.
Take a woman who’s scrutinizing herself in front of a mirror. She points out this flaw and that wrinkle to her boyfriend/husband/significant other who then, in turn, probably says something to the contrary to alleviate some of her anxiety. He walks away and she feels better. Here’s the catch: he probably never really paid much attention to the perceived imperfection but now there’s a chance that he might. By bringing flaws to the forefront, you are making them even bigger.
We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves and it’s okay to share such insecurities with your partner, but don’t go overboard. The fact that your waist isn’t small enough and your feet are too big is your opinion—don’t try to convince anyone else.
Lying to Spare Feelings
For our second point we’ll need to refer to the first one. We’ve all been in a situation when we’ve needed to stroke someone’s ego because he or she was feeling insecure. If you happen to be the boyfriend in the aforementioned example, it’s best not to confirm the fact that your girlfriend indeed does have saddlebags. This is where the emergency lie comes in. “What saddlebags? You’re crazy!” is a good response.
It’s also okay to lie when someone is trying to do something nice for you and fails. Think of the situation when someone made you a chocolate cake but didn’t know you can’t stand chocolate. Or the time your significant other took you to see his favorite band—a band that you weren’t too crazy about. This is where your mom is right: it’s the thought that counts.
Honesty, in combination with common sense is OK . DO NOT say to someone "gosh, my butt is itchy right now!" I mean.. if you do that to someone, you should never show your face in public again.
GloryBells, that is so nice to hear that your openness and honesty is appreciated from your match. I hope things turn out well for when you finally meet.
If someone is comfortable dishing out the little lies, where is the cut-off point that something becomes a big enough lie that it should start to count? Is it a fixed cut-off point too or does it slide around, so starting with the little lies heads down a slippery slope towards total dishonesty. No, thank you!
I will say that I believe there always room for tact when being honest. There is no need to express something in a way that will be hurtful when things can be stated in a way that considers someone's feelings.
This might be a little tangential to dating, but it is about honesty in general (relating to the article's "tips"). Personally, if I ask for someone's opinion on how something looks on me (like a pair of pants), I want an honest opinion. I don't want someone to tell me what they think I want to hear...I want to know that I should really go change what I'm wearing if it was a bad choice. It is not a better option to go for the little white lie and send your friend/SO out into the world looking a mess!
There have been a few rare occasions where a sales person in a store has told me that something didn't look right on me, and I would continue to shop and listen to her feedback since I appreciated her opinion, knowing it is honest. Last year, I had someone tell me while I was checking out that the dress I was buying looked really good on me...I didn't even come out of the change room with it on, so I was not impressed and it left me with a bad feeling about that store.
I found myself being more annoyed than interested in this article once I hit the advice to lie (or withhold the truth). I've actually recently experienced this exact situation. There were two things that I dreaded discussing, and one of them ended up being this persons very first question to me. I answered completely honestly, and received answers to my question, and the next step in communication from them, rather than the "closed" notice I feared. We have made it to the point where we talk on the phone, and we have learned a lot about each other. Well, one thing that is important to him made that second thing I mentioned fearing talking about even more scary. I thought for SURE this was IT. Well, it wasn't. His reply was litterally "Pfftt, that's a pittance". Yes, I was shocked and relieved at that reaction. You just never know. And to come through with your integrity intact and the ability to keep your head held high is so important. And let me add.. in some ways, I'm not his typical "type", which came up in conversation, and I asked why he was talking to me, and asking to meet me, and he said because I am so honest and real. Lie?? I think not. I would sadden my God, disappoint myself, and would have been left with these things and the fear of being found out hanging over my head. No thank you. We haven't met yet, but when we talk, he invariably says "I'll call you tomorrow", and he's not the one holding off on meeting, I am. Not because I don't like him. I do. But because I just want us to get to know each other a little better this way first. Which we wouldn't be doing if either of us was telling lies. We'd been getting to know someone the other is not.. and neither of us wants that. The meeting will be very soon, and when we meet, I have nothing to fear, because I have been completely honest about my past, my pictures and all information about myself, in my profile, answers, letters and conversations. If it's something I would fear him finding out later, once my heart belongs to him, I'd much rather he learn it now, before it would feel devestating if it did end up being a deal breaker.
I hope this was helpful to someone, because I really don't feel the article was helpful. It left me with a really bad taste in my mouth.
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