Are You Repeating Your Parents' Mistakes?

Oftentimes we mirror the relationship behavior we saw growing up. In order to achieve relationship success you may first need to acknowledge the role your parents' relationship plays in your life. Here's how.

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Be honest—do you ever blame your past relationship failures on your parents? Do their relationship issues haunt your relationship reality? Oftentimes we mirror the relationship behavior we saw growing up. If our parents’ relationship was healthy, that’s a good thing. However, if we view our parents’ relationship as dysfunctional, we may experience dating disasters without recognizing the parallels.

In order to achieve relationship success, you may first need to acknowledge the role your parents’ relationship plays in your life. If you’ve been negatively influenced, you will need to break free of any familial dysfunction, recreate your love vocabulary, and release any judgment you have toward your parents and/or yourself. If you’re ready to create a more satisfying relationship future, the following four tips should help:

Tip #1: Identify the Mistakes

First, it’s important to identify the mistakes you think you’re repeating. For example, if your parents constantly butt heads over simple matters, you may find yourself being combative in your relationships. Or, if your parents were never very good at supporting one another’s goals and dreams, you may find yourself attracted to potential partners who constantly question or feel intimidated by your own goals and dreams. By identifying the relationship patterns you perpetuate, you take the first step toward breaking free and having a more satisfying relationship future.

Tip #2: Break Free from Your Parents’ Patterns

Once you’ve identified the relationship patterns you don’t want to mirror, your next step is to break free from them. Start by making a list of the patterns and habits you’re ready to relinquish. For example, you may want to let go of your controlling nature or your need to always be right in relationships—traits you inherited from your parents’ behavior. Once you’ve made your list, review it and ask yourself what healthy relationship habits you can introduce in their place. For example, instead of being a control freak, you may embrace the idea that relationships take compromise and you’re open to negotiation. Instead of insisting that you’re always right, you may accept the fact that you don’t always have all the answers and that it’s perfectly okay to be wrong sometimes.

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pmy347

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SCCounselor wrote:

If only it were this simple. Just do these four things and everything will be perfect. Pop psych at its worst, in my opinion. This article comes across as flippant and truly lacking in substance. As a counselor, I often talk with people trying to overcome painful childhoods and not repeat patterns or mistakes they saw their parents making. Clients struggle with fear, trust issues, difficulty making a commitment, not knowing how to communicate or handle conflict, gravitating towards the same sorts of unhealthy patterns they are familiar with from their home environment and the list goes on. Insight is so important but it takes a lot of hard work and honesty with self and others to make healthier choices. It is possible, though, and many people who did not have very good examples of solid marriages to learn from have gone on to have solid marriages themselves. This is because they wanted to do things differently and sought out tools and information, such as books, counseling, relationship education workshops, marriage mentoring, or other options. I love reading and hearing about couples who've been married for 30, 40, or 50 years or more because I want to know what they did and how they did it. There are healthy marriages out there and we can all learn from them and strive to break family patterns. Doing so mean being conscious and intentional when it comes to choices.

This piece of writing (I don't think it deserves to be called an article) could have included examples of people who have actually done the work to not repeat mistakes or of someone saying the good things they learned from their parents. It could have included quotes from actual relationship experts. It could have summarized research on the subject or recommended relevant books. It could have encouraged counseling for those having difficulty in this area. This is a topic that should be taken much more seriously. I'm guessing some people who are truly hurting and wanting to overcome this issue clicked on it only to feel disappointed.

If eharmony wants to put out info about the best lovesongs or fun date ideas or other fluffy topics, that's one thing. When addressing a serious topic like this, however, I really think the quality needs to be stepped up quite a few notches.

yes, i'm disappointed by the article. i came from a dysfunctional family. often struggle and wander which part of me is influent by my dad.

- July 06, 2008 06:18 AM
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SCCounselor

South Carolina

Posts: 3

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If only it were this simple. Just do these four things and everything will be perfect. Pop psych at its worst, in my opinion. This article comes across as flippant and truly lacking in substance. As a counselor, I often talk with people trying to overcome painful childhoods and not repeat patterns or mistakes they saw their parents making. Clients struggle with fear, trust issues, difficulty making a commitment, not knowing how to communicate or handle conflict, gravitating towards the same sorts of unhealthy patterns they are familiar with from their home environment and the list goes on. Insight is so important but it takes a lot of hard work and honesty with self and others to make healthier choices. It is possible, though, and many people who did not have very good examples of solid marriages to learn from have gone on to have solid marriages themselves. This is because they wanted to do things differently and sought out tools and information, such as books, counseling, relationship education workshops, marriage mentoring, or other options. I love reading and hearing about couples who've been married for 30, 40, or 50 years or more because I want to know what they did and how they did it. There are healthy marriages out there and we can all learn from them and strive to break family patterns. Doing so mean being conscious and intentional when it comes to choices.

This piece of writing (I don't think it deserves to be called an article) could have included examples of people who have actually done the work to not repeat mistakes or of someone saying the good things they learned from their parents. It could have included quotes from actual relationship experts. It could have summarized research on the subject or recommended relevant books. It could have encouraged counseling for those having difficulty in this area. This is a topic that should be taken much more seriously. I'm guessing some people who are truly hurting and wanting to overcome this issue clicked on it only to feel disappointed.

If eharmony wants to put out info about the best lovesongs or fun date ideas or other fluffy topics, that's one thing. When addressing a serious topic like this, however, I really think the quality needs to be stepped up quite a few notches.

- June 30, 2008 10:40 PM
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hasni

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my parents' marriage did not end up well but i learned lessons from it that made me a lot better as a person. i am still single.

- June 27, 2008 04:33 PM
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