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Choosing a person to spend your life with is a serious decision, and the implications of choosing the wrong person can impact many people—you, your partner and any children involved, as well as both extended families. With the estimated divorce rate in the United States continuing to hover around 50% for all first-time marriages, having the tools for selecting better marriage choices is even more important to long-term happiness and relationship success.
1. Too Fast! Slow Down!
Marriage should be a serious decision that takes many aspects into consideration. In fact, some experts recommend that a couple dates for at least two years to make sure that they are making the correct choice. Two years may seem like a long time, but sometimes romantic feelings can cloud personal judgment, blinding you to admitting any incompatibilities that you may see but choose not to. Not only that, but not all incompatibilities are revealed in the first year. By the second year, however, any serious incongruities will emerge.
2. Too Young
The divorce rate for those 20 years old or younger is a whopping 85%—that means only 15% of all marriages between couples who are 20 years old or younger will survive. One key reason why these marriages dissolve is that a strong concept of self-identity needs to develop in someone before being matched well with someone with whom they can spend the rest of their lives.
3. Too Eager
When a person’s self-identity is not yet as developed as it could be, he or she may believe that marriage will make them whole and emotionally secure. Once married, however, they may find that their personal problems are still there, leading to disillusionment and sadness. In some extreme cases, someone in this situation may even project anger and resentment onto their spouse because their spouse hasn’t made them whole. Other times, a person’s concept of self-identity has been through substantial changes from the ending of a relationship or a series of relationships. Divorcees and those who have recently lost a partner are especially vulnerable to being over-eager to get married because they can feel so emotionally bad about themselves, and in general, that they feel the pain they are experiencing will magically go away once married. This notion is the farthest from the truth. Taking self-improvement steps to rebuild emotional health is necessary before partnering with another.
4. Too Little Time Spent Together
Getting to know your potential partner in as many different social environments and situations as possible before marriage is one key to future marital success. You’ll be able to see how your partner reacts to situations that may not come up in everyday life, and more importantly, how you face those situations together.
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